NEET No More

by Cpt.Ratchet

Original Action Adventure Comedy Drama Fantasy Harem Martial Arts Tragedy
Warning This fiction contains mature content
An immature,young,shy and lazy NEET gathers his courage to face the forces of evil but is betrayed and dies.Fearing the afterlife he believes that he's in hell when in fact he's in his new mothers womb.

Being born in a world without internet he decides to train albeit halfheartedly to relieve himself of his boredom.Will he become the most deadly of ninjas,the most honorable of samurais,the most chivalrous of all the knights or something else entirely.

He will find that being passive and lazy can bring consequences in this new world.

*Viewer discretion is advised due to Strong language,violence,and implied sex

I've been told my later chapters are way better than the early ones(First draft to get the ball rolling)


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Cpt.Ratchet

Cpt.Ratchet

The "Pro"crastinator

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shuiko
  • Overall Score

after a the first couple of chapters the story goes all over the place with no clear direction. Throw in the need for some serious change to how the author writes his conversations and you get a story that lacks any impact.

 

Are some of the ideas good? Sure but the execution isn't there. Also the tragedies or "bad/sad" moments are very VERY VERY forced. It doesn't make and logical sense. A huge part of this is probably because its rushed. The author falls into the category of rushing through the beginning without laying down a solid foundation and you can see the story suffers from it.

DeltaSquaddie
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A balancing out of un-thought out reviews.

I tried to stay with this story as long as possible (chapter 6) before skimming through the rest of the chapters in order to leave a review. -Rachnis

he read 6 chapters then skimmed the rest and put out a lazy review and gets 11 up-votes for his efforts i must applaud.

 I must conclude this story to be an embarrassment to the reincarnation category. -Rachnis

this doesn't help the author because you just called his story an embarrassment with no plausible reasoning behind it

On a positive note, this fiction sticks to the do-over reincarnation style story to a slight degree since the main character is reborn into a new life.-Rachnis

What does this even mean...

However, the main character has the mentality of a child rather than an adult NEET.-Rachnis

"A NEET or neet is a young person who is "Not in Education, Employment, or Training". otherwise the kids in peter pan saying "I don't want to grow up." 

The MC also lacks the drive to better himself or set any real goals.-Rachnis

 

in a logical manner you can recall him being a neet and thus the reasoning behind that is he has no drive to better himself because that goes against his character.

As a result, the plot is quite loose and lacks the direction needed for an exciting story.-Rachnis

To read the intro and skim body of the story is like saying your hot chocolate taste like water after you add water to cool it.

Also, the side characters maintain less depth than the MC. The harem that appears starts to early and does not allow for the building of real connections between the characters.-Rachnis

if your going to say something randomly with no examples, and not realize childhood friends. there is no hope.

Furthermore, the characters all have their own quirks but no real thoughts or aspirations of a human being.-Rachnis

skimming is really bad for character development.

I must conclude that the story follows a formula and while the writer has expressed his imagination and creativity he fails to include rationality and individuality.-Rachnis

...How did you come to this conclusion... Why must you conclude... What is so un-creative... How does he fail to conclude rationality and individuality... With consideration to your attempts at organizing your thoughts i must conclude that your spouting utter randomness.

I hope the writer continues to improve his storytelling because, as it is now, this fiction would hardly entertain let alone inspire anyone with a maturity greater than that of a child’s.

I greatly enjoy the reincarnation category, so I felt the need to leave my thoughts for your consideration.    -Rachnis

This section is the reason i'm writing this. The fashion in which he says  "I hope the writer continues to improve his storytelling" and then insults the fiction to the point of insulting the matter of the "maturity" involved. 

 

Thus i can now say that this fiction has been wrongly judged and needs to be re-looked upon in a different light. Although it may have faults here and there i feel a though it was my duty to see to it that I  give it full marks as to balance out that less noteworthy review and then let others properly consider that of above when writing a review.

 

Aseriahl
  • Overall Score

Resurrection... not needed tyvm!

Wow, where to begin... this story starts with our dear main character reincarnating after dying in an attempt of showing bravery!

After such an amazing start, will the hero try to make up for his previous life errors and vices? Nah he totally forgets everything about his previous life, except that he loved to drink soda pop, and starts acting like a brain dead child, cries at the drop of a hat, and thinks that his idiot brother, who's really totally super exceptionally a genius magician shooting fire balls at elephants is the height of "COOL"...

 

Lets not forget characters that change personality every few chapters, such as his mother, overprotective enough to not let him out of the house for 4 5 years, but after some random dude with slanted eyes shows up and demands our heroic and totally not "white slate" hero, the mother has no problems at all, except being silent at the moment of departure! She screams an hurricane at a 3 year old scratching him but now that some cretin from the woods wants to kidnap him, she says nothing...

 

I wouldn't recommend this story to my worst enemy, it is that bad.

cynzfirefly
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Just Another Review...

For this review, I will not point out the specific points but talk about the general layout of the well-done areas and the poorly written parts. I will also pick out some of the more outstanding grammatical errors as it really sets the tone and flow of the story. The form of writing is informal while the tone of story is fairly serious, with hints of playfulness through a few gags and jokes.

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Style

This story is written in third-person omniscient POV, focusing on different characters in certain chapters while placing most of the emphasis on the MC, Edin. It uses a rather diverse set of fiction-writing modes that showcase different ways of revealing the information and progression of the story to the audience. As the story is in third-person, the narrator is someone who is not a part of the story. The overall style allows the reader to read comfortably and see the world through a bird’s-eye view.

 

This is where some of the problems begin to come into play. Although I did say there are a variety of modes seen in this story, this fiction is mainly built upon descriptions through sensation and character interaction. This limits the depth of the characters and the image of their surroundings. There are bits and pieces of exposition that appear sporadically but are far too little to provide enough information on the environment and the characters. The rest of the modes of fiction-writing in the story do not help enough to create well-established imagery of the world. This point will be further covered in the story and character section of this review.

 

Other than that, the story seems to have progressed quite well in certain areas which include the creation of atmosphere (mood) to fit the progress of the story at certain points. This allows the audience to read without picking up a dictionary or searching a term up. The author’s simplicity in style works well in conjunction with character introspection – the internal dialogue – by giving more personality and insight to the characters and showing us their thoughts and feelings at a certain time.

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Story

Due to the style of writing, the story is very simple and easy to understand. The story setting is fairly well written and provides information of where each and every character is located without creating an info-dump exposition to explain each region. Also, the story progression is fairly well paced and does not try to do too many things in the same time frame per chapter.

 

There are a lot of problems story-wise so please bear with me as some of this applies to the majority of the fictions in RRL. The core of the story is not the same as the outer portion that the audience usually reads. First of all, the storyline is very shallow and does not have any depth to it. It is as if the story progresses without any sort of foreshadowing nor any long term campaign settings (individual adventures connecting into a major storyline) that builds suspense and/or adds the depth element to the story.

 

The second, and often one of the earliest tasks of world building, is to construct a map of the world. This geographical construction is usually done through descriptions to lay out the basic terrain features and significant civilizations present in this world. Many fictions on this site have the problem of building up a setting that is either impartial or askew from the author’s mental image. Even though there are some sparse images throughout the story so far, the main world still looks very bland and drafted instead of being vivid in one’s mind where the character is currently at. To summarize, the settings around the characters look white-washed and as if they are in the beginning stages of creation.

 

The third problem is more of a personal preference that seems to interfere with the plot advancement. The plot is very linear; there is no underlying conflict or major storyline that can be seen or at least foreshadowed other than the MC’s own obscure, fogged-up lineage/heritage. Also, the only place where it foreshadowed a potential threatening enemy, “Sam”, it was turned into a ten-second bashing.

 

All In all, the foundation of the story is very shaky. Even though the story is easy to read and understand, there is no complexity to the world nor is there any completed setting, making it difficult for the readers to imagine the world of the main character in the way the author meant for it to be.

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Grammar

The story does not have too many outstanding errors in grammar which is definitely a good start as it does not hinder the reader and interrupt the flow of the story. Structure wise, most of the sentences are fairly well done and easy to read, with some parts a little weird but still easily understood.

 

There are repetitive punctuation errors that are far too numerous to list. “He couldn't keep track of time though still he never grew hungry”. The, “…time though still he…” is very awkward and weirdly placed. “This repetitive beat soothed him.” This is also another rather awkwardly worded sentence as well. Also, there are some words that are repeated n number of times in the same sentence. This problem also persists in paragraphs, where linking verbs, descriptors and nouns are used again and again over a short period of time. It screams “lazy-writing” in instances such as this one: “A few people came to his cradle a few days after his birth…”. This creates monotony in the story that kills the flow of the story.

 

Other than the numerous awkward and/or poorly worded sentences that make immersive reading difficult for me, many of the blatant errors that plague the fictions on this website were avoided. Although this is a positive, it does not make up for the awkwardness the fiction has shown at this time.

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Character

The MC, Edin, is the protagonist of this story and his attributes and traits are revealed through both indirect and direct characterization. Direct characterization is self-explanatory; directly revealing the traits from narration. Edin’s traits are also revealed through his speech, thoughts, and effects on others. To me, the MC seems like an average child to teenager (as the story progresses), doing things that befit his age and speaking in the same way. The MC is also fairly level headed and understanding, befitting the status as a reincarnated person. The story explicitly tells us that he loses his old personality early on, so this kind of offsets the difference between the character he was before and the person he is now.

 

At the same time, however, because he loses his old personality before the story shows the MC’s level-headedness, he should have have the calmness associated with the accumulation of age. One’s mental age can vary with personality so this faulty storyline placement causes the MC to become inconsistent. The characters in this story are also rather static and flat, having a very simple personality. There is not enough information for the audience to understand the characters as a whole, only the outer layer of them. Even with the style of writing helping, not giving enough information leads to having characters that are very flat and don’t change much.

 

During chapters 23 and 24, Cassandra - the MC’s lover and girlfriend - was killed. Normally, killing off a character or two (or several) is fine as long as there is a good reason to do it. The problem with this is that the MC’s thought “I DO NOT REMEMBER THE HEALING SPELL…” does not make sense in more than one way. This rather spotty attempt at a running gag is likely to turn the tragic atmosphere sour and ruin the mood. This is especially true when the title is named “Tragedy”.

 

Also, killing off the character due to plot-twist after the MC becomes the “Knight of Moonlight” stands out a little too much in my books. Not only does it not motivate the MC, it doesn’t even advance the plot as an event already rendered the character death rather pointless. This is not a personal preference; this is how the already bland character development and linear plot have been rendered even worse due to the bad planning and timing of the events presented in the story.

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Overall

Overall, the story displays a rather ambiguous understanding of fiction writing that seems to fluctuate with the chapters. It feels like it was written by several people who would just randomly come in and start writing at times and not connect things properly. This is quite similar to Mad Libs but with sentences and chapters instead of just filling in random words. The characters and settings were not developed enough while the chapters frequently have sentences with awkward word arrangement and usage.

 

On a positive note, casual readers will not have much trouble reading and understanding the story as the simplicity stands out. Even though grammar in this story is rather poor in some areas while satisfactory in others, it does not mutilate the flow of the story much.

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Suggestions

Firstly, before you write the next chapter for your fiction, it would be good to read your previous chapters beforehand to get a feel of what you were going for. Secondly, try developing your characters on a detailed profile page to get a feel for each and every character you create. The main characters should be developed much further than the supporting, side and background characters. Don’t neglect the non-main characters though!!! They can play a large role in setting the background as well as support the plot and further develop the main characters through their actions. Thirdly, create a strong map of your world and the regions your characters reside in before writing them out. It will help you plan your character movement throughout the story.

 

Of course, don’t just rely on your PRs!!! Figure out your own awkwardness by reading out the sentences in front of a mirror. If it sounds alright to you then it may be fine. If it sounds terrible… then it’s quite possibly awkward or outright wrong.

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Ratings

(Will put up a rating scale of how this works later)

 

Overall: 1.35/5

Style: 1.45/5

Story: 0.65/5

Grammar: 0.50/5

Character: 1.00/5

 

Aonte
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You should understand what an explanation is by Zed.

The begginning is really lacking. It's funny in some parts. The story gets better as it advances, but it has some loops holes here and there you should fix.

The style is lacking and the grammar needs to improve. I mean, it doesn't explain or compare the MC's feelings to understand how the MC is thinking. The grammar sends to direct, if you want to do it like that, then, present tense would be more useful (More difficult to use and is avoided in this site because of it).

The greastest problem of this fiction is the explanation, he did this and that caused that someone died. It seems like it's an interval with a beginning and and end. He saw a bloody  knight? It would improve the reading experience if you add descriptions.

Not like person’s fic, but some would be good.

 

(In the Zed’s scale, it’s a 2)

Neva
  • Overall Score

It's kinda slow at first,  but it gets better by chapter 3. All the characters have their individual personality, but the story progresses too fast to really get in depth with some of the characters. Hopefully, there's POV chapters in the future for those characters.

 

The author does need to do some organizational work on his story though.

 

I would personally rank this around 4-4.5 but i feel that i need to help balance the scale a bit.

9xlife
  • Overall Score

Weird, I don't know why it gets terrible reviews.

No idea why it get's such low scores. Sure, it isn't grammatically perfect, but it has a nice flavor. It tastes like a Dominican candy I know (synthesia). Rather than a stiff personality, I think the main character's Reddit personality makes much more sense. The world setting is actually rather interesting since it's basically what the world would be like if magic appeared in the 17-1800s.

fallgod7
  • Overall Score

lazy protagonist is awesome

well, i'm lazy myself lol but i love the way i am. and he is, of course the protagonist. its easy to make a turn of event, yeah just kill of someone he love and *poof he can transform to some badass
Royal blue
  • Overall Score

Nice story keep going but the MC personality isn’t matured enough even after reincarnated and one thing don’t bring some excessive tragedy to twist the plot . 

Also your writing style is pretty good and English is also written fairly well so keep going with it but if you want the series to reach high enough then make the MC serious and act matured

Siglar
  • Overall Score

At the beggining i was kinda meh! in reading your story, but your improving and it is holding my attention. So KEEP WRITING  FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT! You might be slightly allowed to have some fun with it.. just a bit…