NEET No More

after a the first couple of chapters the story goes all over the place with no clear direction. Throw in the need for some serious change to how the author writes his conversations and you get a story that lacks any impact.

Are some of the ideas good? Sure but the execution isn't there. Also the tragedies or "bad/sad" moments are very VERY VERY forced. It doesn't make and logical sense. A huge part of this is probably because its rushed. The author falls into the category of rushing through the beginning without laying down a solid foundation and you can see the story suffers from it.

Amateur Author here I’d like to thank the readers that stuck with me and actually read ALL the chapters because apparently I’ve been improving in my later chapters

The MC being childlike is my preference because he was still a child like NEET and I want him to mature, the only reason I made it a reincarnation story is so I could make References to our world

As for the MC having no goal that’s true.I could have made him go through some tragedy and have him get revenge or whatever but as for His motive or drive he will eventually get one but for now he’s going with the flow

Also I DO NOT SUPPORT THE MARGINALIZATION OF MEN I’m a dude not a feminists so if you get those vibes I’m sorry

Thanks for taking the time and reviewing my story 

I’ll take what you guys say into consideration

I love you guys so much it might even be unhealthy

Nice story keep going but the MC personality isn’t matured enough even after reincarnated and one thing don’t bring some excessive tragedy to twist the plot . 

Also your writing style is pretty good and English is also written fairly well so keep going with it but if you want the series to reach high enough then make the MC serious and act matured

For this review, I will not point out the specific points but talk about the general layout of the well-done areas and the poorly written parts. I will also pick out some of the more outstanding grammatical errors as it really sets the tone and flow of the story. The form of writing is informal while the tone of story is fairly serious, with hints of playfulness through a few gags and jokes.

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Style

This story is written in third-person omniscient POV, focusing on different characters in certain chapters while placing most of the emphasis on the MC, Edin. It uses a rather diverse set of fiction-writing modes that showcase different ways of revealing the information and progression of the story to the audience. As the story is in third-person, the narrator is someone who is not a part of the story. The overall style allows the reader to read comfortably and see the world through a bird’s-eye view.

This is where some of the problems begin to come into play. Although I did say there are a variety of modes seen in this story, this fiction is mainly built upon descriptions through sensation and character interaction. This limits the depth of the characters and the image of their surroundings. There are bits and pieces of exposition that appear sporadically but are far too little to provide enough information on the environment and the characters. The rest of the modes of fiction-writing in the story do not help enough to create well-established imagery of the world. This point will be further covered in the story and character section of this review.

Other than that, the story seems to have progressed quite well in certain areas which include the creation of atmosphere (mood) to fit the progress of the story at certain points. This allows the audience to read without picking up a dictionary or searching a term up. The author’s simplicity in style works well in conjunction with character introspection – the internal dialogue – by giving more personality and insight to the characters and showing us their thoughts and feelings at a certain time.

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Story

Due to the style of writing, the story is very simple and easy to understand. The story setting is fairly well written and provides information of where each and every character is located without creating an info-dump exposition to explain each region. Also, the story progression is fairly well paced and does not try to do too many things in the same time frame per chapter.

There are a lot of problems story-wise so please bear with me as some of this applies to the majority of the fictions in RRL. The core of the story is not the same as the outer portion that the audience usually reads. First of all, the storyline is very shallow and does not have any depth to it. It is as if the story progresses without any sort of foreshadowing nor any long term campaign settings (individual adventures connecting into a major storyline) that builds suspense and/or adds the depth element to the story.

The second, and often one of the earliest tasks of world building, is to construct a map of the world. This geographical construction is usually done through descriptions to lay out the basic terrain features and significant civilizations present in this world. Many fictions on this site have the problem of building up a setting that is either impartial or askew from the author’s mental image. Even though there are some sparse images throughout the story so far, the main world still looks very bland and drafted instead of being vivid in one’s mind where the character is currently at. To summarize, the settings around the characters look white-washed and as if they are in the beginning stages of creation.

The third problem is more of a personal preference that seems to interfere with the plot advancement. The plot is very linear; there is no underlying conflict or major storyline that can be seen or at least foreshadowed other than the MC’s own obscure, fogged-up lineage/heritage. Also, the only place where it foreshadowed a potential threatening enemy, “Sam”, it was turned into a ten-second bashing.

All In all, the foundation of the story is very shaky. Even though the story is easy to read and understand, there is no complexity to the world nor is there any completed setting, making it difficult for the readers to imagine the world of the main character in the way the author meant for it to be.

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Grammar

The story does not have too many outstanding errors in grammar which is definitely a good start as it does not hinder the reader and interrupt the flow of the story. Structure wise, most of the sentences are fairly well done and easy to read, with some parts a little weird but still easily understood.

There are repetitive punctuation errors that are far too numerous to list. “He couldn't keep track of time though still he never grew hungry”. The, “…time though still he…” is very awkward and weirdly placed. “This repetitive beat soothed him.” This is also another rather awkwardly worded sentence as well. Also, there are some words that are repeated n number of times in the same sentence. This problem also persists in paragraphs, where linking verbs, descriptors and nouns are used again and again over a short period of time. It screams “lazy-writing” in instances such as this one: “A few people came to his cradle a few days after his birth…”. This creates monotony in the story that kills the flow of the story.

Other than the numerous awkward and/or poorly worded sentences that make immersive reading difficult for me, many of the blatant errors that plague the fictions on this website were avoided. Although this is a positive, it does not make up for the awkwardness the fiction has shown at this time.

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Character

The MC, Edin, is the protagonist of this story and his attributes and traits are revealed through both indirect and direct characterization. Direct characterization is self-explanatory; directly revealing the traits from narration. Edin’s traits are also revealed through his speech, thoughts, and effects on others. To me, the MC seems like an average child to teenager (as the story progresses), doing things that befit his age and speaking in the same way. The MC is also fairly level headed and understanding, befitting the status as a reincarnated person. The story explicitly tells us that he loses his old personality early on, so this kind of offsets the difference between the character he was before and the person he is now.

At the same time, however, because he loses his old personality before the story shows the MC’s level-headedness, he should have have the calmness associated with the accumulation of age. One’s mental age can vary with personality so this faulty storyline placement causes the MC to become inconsistent. The characters in this story are also rather static and flat, having a very simple personality. There is not enough information for the audience to understand the characters as a whole, only the outer layer of them. Even with the style of writing helping, not giving enough information leads to having characters that are very flat and don’t change much.

During chapters 23 and 24, Cassandra - the MC’s lover and girlfriend - was killed. Normally, killing off a character or two (or several) is fine as long as there is a good reason to do it. The problem with this is that the MC’s thought “I DO NOT REMEMBER THE HEALING SPELL…” does not make sense in more than one way. This rather spotty attempt at a running gag is likely to turn the tragic atmosphere sour and ruin the mood. This is especially true when the title is named “Tragedy”.

Also, killing off the character due to plot-twist after the MC becomes the “Knight of Moonlight” stands out a little too much in my books. Not only does it not motivate the MC, it doesn’t even advance the plot as an event already rendered the character death rather pointless. This is not a personal preference; this is how the already bland character development and linear plot have been rendered even worse due to the bad planning and timing of the events presented in the story.

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Overall

Overall, the story displays a rather ambiguous understanding of fiction writing that seems to fluctuate with the chapters. It feels like it was written by several people who would just randomly come in and start writing at times and not connect things properly. This is quite similar to Mad Libs but with sentences and chapters instead of just filling in random words. The characters and settings were not developed enough while the chapters frequently have sentences with awkward word arrangement and usage.

On a positive note, casual readers will not have much trouble reading and understanding the story as the simplicity stands out. Even though grammar in this story is rather poor in some areas while satisfactory in others, it does not mutilate the flow of the story much.

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Suggestions

Firstly, before you write the next chapter for your fiction, it would be good to read your previous chapters beforehand to get a feel of what you were going for. Secondly, try developing your characters on a detailed profile page to get a feel for each and every character you create. The main characters should be developed much further than the supporting, side and background characters. Don’t neglect the non-main characters though!!! They can play a large role in setting the background as well as support the plot and further develop the main characters through their actions. Thirdly, create a strong map of your world and the regions your characters reside in before writing them out. It will help you plan your character movement throughout the story.

Of course, don’t just rely on your PRs!!! Figure out your own awkwardness by reading out the sentences in front of a mirror. If it sounds alright to you then it may be fine. If it sounds terrible… then it’s quite possibly awkward or outright wrong.

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Ratings

(Will put up a rating scale of how this works later)

Overall: 1.35/5

Style: 1.45/5

Story: 0.65/5

Grammar: 0.50/5

Character: 1.00/5

I am not really one for harem, I just feel it would bring otherwise easily avoided problems. I still enjoyed the story.

The character development seems rushed and some characters are introduced then dissapear, but there is always time for development ( ie the Japanese kid who grew close to him like a brother ).

I like the fast paced style and character growth ( I was reading Knights and Magic, the chapters are so long/slow I and full of crap I don’t care about like training I don’t care for with some boring character interactions. So I ended up reading 1/3 of each chapter while skimming the other 2/3 , yet I still only got 4 or5 chapters in. ) Way off topic though…  

I also enjoy the lack of inta OPness ” _______ finds a magic rock makes a magic gun and now has the ability to kill everything in sight. ” ( exaggerated reference to Arifureta ) O

h why not use his old world knowledge to his advantage? I seem to recall him being a NEET and not know anything particularly useful, much like myself and there is no way in hell I’m gonna be able to make a gun… Maybe a crossbow if given enough time…

My biggest issue is lack of combat or fighting experience but that will come in later as he seems fine with training and barbarian instinct. Want some managers too…

@cynzfirefly

“I DO NOT REMEMBER THE HEALING SPELL…” does not make sense in more than one way. This rather spotty attempt at a running gag is likely to turn the tragic atmosphere sour and ruin the mood. This is especially true when the title is named “Tragedy”.

I don’t think think it was an attempt to continue a running gag, but a wakeup call about his laziness and lax attitude about training. Possibly even the final push to remove the remnants of his NEET lifestyle.

I just made my account and can’t get the hang of comments and replies and I fear there will be like four reposts by me…

Edited for response. Seems like you seriously hate your MC. That no matter what he says, does, or if proven to have no negative intents, he is always in the wrong and no one will ever believe him over a female. Even if he is attacked by a female and defends himself, maximum punishment for the defending male, while the female is praised for the unprovoked attack on the male while given hints on how to hurt him more effectively.