(Discontinued) Aevitas - Not an NPC [unfinished]

by Aspirer

Original Adventure Drama Fantasy Virtual Reality

A discontinued story. I don't advise people to read this story, but it is the basis for my new one: Aevitas — I am not an NPC [R]

 

New remodelled version may not yet be out, but if it isn't it should be 'soon'.

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  • Pages :
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Author
Aspirer

Aspirer

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Chapter 1: Help? ago
Readers input and suggestion (important after CHP2 but redundant after CHP4) ago
Chapter 2: The Unknown ago
Chapter 3: Alone ago
Chapter 4: Champions Road Part I ago
Chapter 5: Champion Road Part II ago
Chapter 6: Champion Road Part III ago
Chapter 7: Champion ago
Discussions: Q&A ago
Chapter 8: Gods, Priests and a Prophet ago
Chapter 9: Return of the Players [part 1] ago
Chapter 10: Return of the Players [part 2] ago
Chapter 11: Doubts, Folly and a Voyage. ago
Chapter 12: New Beginnings - Chadú ago
Chapter 13: Subterranean Dash ago
Chapter 14: Aftermath ago
Chapter 15: Power and Balance ago
Chapter 16: Bubele ago
Chapter 17: Schemes ago
Chapter 18: Perspective. ago
Chapter 19: A new day. ago
Chapter 20: History is a Riot. ago
Chapter 21: A Peaceful Evening. ago
Chapter 22: Planning ahead. ago
Chapter 23: Experimenting ago
Chapter 24: Who needs Elves? ago
Chapter 25: Novali Sax ago
Chapter 26: Change of Plans. ago
Chapter 27: Tomin Part 1 ago
Chapter 28: Tomin part 2. ago
Chapter 29: Lost and Found ago
Author Announcement. ago
Aspirer...is alive? (author) ago
Link to the new version of Aevitas: ago
Reviews

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Aheael
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From the get-go, Aevitas shows immense potential in the paths the story will develop into for the style of writing is amazing in leaving you, the reader curious and wondering which path the story will take but leave you in turmoil because there are so many good paths to take! 

 This is the main feature of Aevitas that had me amazed. The style of writing beautifully is in coalition with your story without failing to keep the consistency and hold that quality throughout each chapter is simply wonderful. 

 Unhindered by thoughts of the past and keeping the reader's focus on the present state is very hard to do because we're all so curious and just love to daydream but you actually manage to do that and rather have us focus on the paths the story will take is, again amazing because it leaves you hooked. That is the most important thing for an amazing FF, not an average. You love it or you don't. There is no gray area.

 

As i have said, the style beautifully works with the story and this helps us as the reader fully empathize with our MC and understand his actions, thoughts and feelings keeping us engrossed. It also introduces humor that is well apt and doesn't feel forced or just writ there.

 

However , I would say that Aevitas lacks that build up of drama. By all means, it has drama but the tension is eliminated to fast as the details are summarized and concluded like it's hardly important. I suggest to vary the sentence structure, the length of chosen words to build this tension as it creates a tempo to the speed at which the reader reads. instead of portraying it from what seems to be more of a detailed commentary. It also helps increase the sense of danger and further boost climax points, which Aevitas has many of. 

 Ranging from the surprise to find out the Player Killer/Mr Lady Stealer/Liar/Person i wish to kill to the shocking reveal to our MC, that he's trapped to the phone call to the MC's family by our lovely or hated ex-gf (The readers seem to be split on that idea) and a few more that will make the FF have a bigger impact and each chapter to be linger on the reader's mind.

 

To conclude, I want to place Tobi and the amazing Dovahkiin in a shouting match. Keep it up mate.

Gibster
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This story reminds me a lot of Play to Live in that people can get trapped inside of the game.  The writing is impeccable and the story is interesting.  The love element pulls at my heartstrings and all of the characters seem real.  

 

I enjoy the fact that a complete noob didn’t immediately become a gaming master.  Especially the fact that he wasted an entire year cooking with system assist.  The way the story starts it makes the potential of him becoming OP more enjoyable.  There is actual measurable growth and authenticity. I especially enjoy the suspense of not knowing whether death means death for Tobi in the game.  The frustrating dramatic irony of why he is stuck inside the game is also great.  

 

I highly recommend this story. 

JerrytheCherry
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Came for the Title, stayed for the Story

First off- absolutely love this story. One of the best fictions I've read on this site thus far. I came for the title, the concept of the story itself.

I am staying for the style and content of the story, which matches up to the interest the title itself had originally generated.

 

Now onto the non TL;DR stuff, the actual analysis:

 

The style the story is written in comfortable, fluid, and easy to understand. Unlike some fan fictions, where I needed to take time to become accustomed to the style before the story could start to sink in, I took to it immediately.

 

Also, most importantly for some readers, the update speed is blazing-ly fast. Each chapter is absolutely filled with content, and done so in many different viewpoints that sheds light in a great way. Having started only slightly more than half a month ago, the author has seemingly already written enough to fill a light novel or two. 

 

Now, about the main reason that I love this story: potential. The world has been finely sculpted, its NPCs, systems, even various 'travelers' have been introduced in detail and with finesse. The story itself is both intriguing and innovative, combining many ideas including the exploration of the nature of virtual reality, AI, and creativity. 

 

The grammar is probably nearly impeccable. At least, I myself cannot find any fault with the writing, though I am not proficient enough to be absolute in that aspect.

 

For now, the only part I cannot give full marks is character. The stress is placed on the 'for now', simply because the story has just started, and not enough time has been given to stabilize the character just yet. This is absolutely not due to a lack of character progression; there has been plenty throughout the nine thoroughly enjoyable chapters. I simply find it a mystery (which can be good) what sort of environment Tobi and his family had for Toby to have ended up the way he is, unfazed, expert, and focused. As the story progresses, I will no doubt change this to the full five star value as this mystery is answered. 

 

To the author: Keep up the good work! For the readers: there may be nine chapters, but each is delicious and filled with content. This is one of a few fictions I would recommend to a friend, and I will gladly recommend it to whoever is reading this review. 

 

 

Shance
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Wholesome fantistic funnistic funturistic story.

Overall 4 ½ cookies

 

The story is fun, it reminds me a lot to the light novel “Only Sense” in that the MC does not seem in a hurry, he goes at his own pace when he want.

 

Though I don’t know if the MC should be angry at getting stuck inside the game (I mean whose fault is that? It’s an anomaly, a 1 in a billion) he makes it work by doing the things he most enjoys, and even though there’s no action currently, it is because of fear of the possibility of real death, which seem mightily rational to me.

 

 

Style 5 cookies

 

Don’t ask me why, but the writing style just plain does it for me, I just like it, shit me not but I don’t exactly know why?!

 

 

Story 5 Cookies

 

Though the story is pretty unrealistic, I mean it’s fiction… I mean every “unique” story even Real Life ones, are things that are one in a million, so if you think that the story is ridiculous, then leave royal roadl, cause virtual reality, and reincarnation itself are way out there in the realms of the unbelievable. It’s a fun, quirky paced story, there’s something happening all the time, up till now there’s not been a monotonous moment in the story, and the comedy is good and realistic, I don’t really like overdone gags in novels…

 

 

Grammar 5 cookies

 

Nothing wrong in there that I could see.

 

 

Character 5 cookies too…

 

I fell in love with the characters, what makes me have fun (a lot of the time at least) is that I can imagine something in the story happening to me so I laugh, the characters have well defined characters, I have yet to see incongruities in their personality, but the story just stated so it could happen.

 

So if you want a fun middle paced story with interesting characters, and a few laughs, I recommend you read on!

 

blitflame1
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I don't often give this kind of rating however this story is definitely worth it.

 

Try to imagine a mix up of SAO ALICE IN WONDERLAND AND A BIG CHESS TOURNAMENT.

 

Each of the characters has their own unique personalities. The MC is a laid back guy who and I quate is the worlds most idiotic genius. Who also has anger management problems.... Occasionally... Every other character is very carefully designed its almost like you are in the same room watching the antics. 

 

Congrats you just got the hardest book critic on the internet to give you a perfect score and get him to beg on his need for more

Gask
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A FF with a plot? On Royal Road?!

Review based on events up to chapter 7: 3 1/2 stars

 

This sort of tale is nearly impossible to find on this site but luckily here we have a good example; a story with a character driven plot… it’s almost like the author has actually read a book before and realized that a world needs more to drive it than a single godlike character who only cares about loot and grinding… imagine that!  Here you will find characters with a bit of character, a world that feels alive and a MC that isn’t obsessed with greed and power.  Of course, that said, there are only 7 chapters so far and several of the character interactions are a bit bare bones and feel a tad contrived as a result but even so I feel rather optimistic regarding the future of this work and am looking forward to reading more of it. 

 

As far as ways to strengthen the narrative go I would suggest ensuring that the bonds between your various characters are well enough established prior to them risking their lives and those of others in the future.  Also try not to miss chances to insert events that relate to and call back important details that were mentioned earlier in the story which can in turn be used to expand upon our understanding of the world and which may lead to various interesting occurrences.  Beyond that make sure that failure is always possible, rewards aren’t too prolific and ensure that there are consequences to important actions that can persist beyond the chapters they appeared in.  Basically do what most forget to do and focus on making a story about a game that is a world instead of a world that is a game.

 

Thanks for the story so far.

Deltoren
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interesting concept sort of like .Hack SAO or Log horizion but still interesting idea with good grammar and ok spelling

kevbobb
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Great start for a story

Great story keep up the good work. I can not wait for more.

Yadre
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To put it simple, this story is great. It made me realise I have been reading lots of fanfic like a zombie not thinking about it at all.

You fic doesn’t rush things to the MC getting stronger by grinding. It actually has some backbone to it and actually develop the story quite nicely without being slow either, it’s really weird trying to explain… but I just REALLY enjoyed it a lot.

It made me want to finally finish reading Lord of the Rings, and I remembered now that a story has more to offer than what you usually see in a most fanfics here (not that I don’t enjoy, but as I said.. it’s different)

 

Anyway I guess this is suposed to be more of a Thank you for this great story than a review…

 

ps: English is not my main language and I still could understand all of what you wrote.. so yeah I think the grammar its pretty good but I can’t judgee that.

piens15
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Keep going this gold. The slow pace is refreshing and i love the care for detail.