A Ghost Life

by TwoFeet

Original
I died. And became a ghost.

Now I spend my time looking up girl's skirts, peeking in changing rooms, being chased by exorcists and watching TV with random guy.

Then I heard I could level up!

Rated Mature (18+).
All characters are fictitious and bear no resemblance to anyone living or dead.

This is my side project. Update frequency may vary.
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  • Followers :
  • 91
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  • 23
  • Ratings :
  • 13
  • Pages :
  • 35
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TwoFeet

TwoFeet

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savagesmiley47
  • Overall Score

All I can say is that I like this idea where ever it came form, and that I'm so happy that one of my favorite authors is writing another story. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this in the future.

DarkD
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Having spent the last 6 hours editing my own stuff, reading yours was painful.  The story and idea were great, but the execution was half assed.  I think you know English and you just wrote out whatever came to mind.  It needs proofing, and it needs planning.  

 

Your story is filled with violations of the rule "show don't tell".  Google it.  This is the main reason you lost marks in the style category.  Instead of TELLING me that a character is something, SHOW it to me through their actions, appearance, and thoughts.  

 

Style: Your prose were weak, filled with long, repetitive sentences.  Put your stuff in 

http://www.hemingwayapp.com/beta/index.html

https://prowritingaid.com

and I guarantee you, the chapters will light up like a christmas tree.  Not that everything they say is right, but you should be able to reduce the errors to below 5-10 each.  

 

Story: My main problem here is that you made the story long and slow, with no reward in sight.  This is where that showing thing I told you about earlier would help.  It makes boring things more interesting.  I don’t feel like I have an attachment to the characters or that the story is very detailed.  I don’t quite know how to word it, but it just feels like the story goes nowhere.  

 

I think it would help a lot if you sat down and planned out what you wanted, cut back on the boring parts, and focused on how to make your story interesting.  

 

Grammar: for the most part, good job.  English seems to be your first language, but you haven’t proofread anything yet.  Errors are everywhere, I would ignore it if it was just the odd thing, but it’s not.  

 

Character: You have the framework in place for an interesting MC, but you’ve yet to use it.  Once again, this is where show don’t tell would help you.  Telling is a way of distancing us from the action and the characters.  So your characters are hollow as a result.  

FalleN
  • Overall Score

It is good so dont drop it.

 It is original and good.It is funny and normal.Also make the ghost a bit op.Anyway all in all great keep it up

kujkujkuj
  • Overall Score
It's a cool story, especially with the main character being such a funny dunce, but you should work a bit on your grammar.
Jamerax
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 Very original, or at least I haven't read many like this before. I only have two problems, which is pretty good considering I usually have about 5 or 6 :)

The first problem would have to be the over use of periods, it just messes with my inner voice when reading lol. the second would be the lack of dialogue, I know it's implied, and I know he's a ghost, but perhaps as he gets used to his first ability, he should open up more? 

Everything else is perfect, keep up the ground breaking work!