Tec Mage

by TenFap

Original
Knowledge, what is its true worth, power, wealth or maybe pride. Ben may find the answer in Royal Road
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TenFap

TenFap

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Tec Mage Prologue ago
Tec Mage Chapter One: Knowledge Is Power But So Is The Fist ago
Tec Mage Chapter Two: Boots, Books And Helping Hands ago
Tec Mage Chapter Three: Upgrades And Home, Sweet Home ago
Tec Mage Chapter Four: Magic And Blacksmithing ago
Tec Mage Chapter Five: Pain And Magical Gain ago
Tec Mage Chapter Six: A Winning Moment ago
Tec Mage Chapter Seven: Winners, Losers And Comebacks ago
Tec Mage Chapter Eight: A Strange Voice ago
Tec Mage Chapter Nine: The 4th Apprentices ago
Tec Mage Chapter Ten: Teenage Adventures ago
Tec Mage Chapter Eleven: Class And Goodbyes ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twelve: Enchanting And Interrogation ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirteen: Two Months Later ago
stats and skills after the 13th chapter ago
Tec Mage Chapter Fourteen: Beasts And Priest ago
Tec Mage Chapter Fifteen: Home Sweet Gnoll ago
Tec Mage Chapter Sixteen: Shooting Fish In A Barrel ago
Tec Mage Chapter Seventeen: Deals, Upgrades and 2 vs 1 ago
Atlas gear after chapter seventeen ago
Tec Mage Chapter Eighteen: Water And Bosses ago
Tec Mage Chapter Nineteen:A Student, A Teacher And A Master ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty: Moonstone ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty One: Friendly Fight ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Two: Fending Off A Monster ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Three: Debts Between A Man And Dwarf ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Four: Light After The Fire ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Five: Exam and Dungeon Diving ago
7 Rules Of Enchanting ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Six: Crypt-ic ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Seven: Harken ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Eight: Pride And Shrine ago
Tec Mage Chapter Twenty Nine: Bad Day To Be The Boss ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty: Quartermaster's Trail ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty One: Consequences Of The Information Network ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Two: A Cut Above The Rest ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Three: Elemental Blacksmith ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Four: The Four Jacks ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Five: Rainbow Baby ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Six: The Journey To Baran Village ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Seven: Duke Crowfeather ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Eight: The Problems With Intimacy ago
Tec Mage Chapter Thirty Nine: Florem Lucis ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty: Heaven's Core ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty One: Past The Black Roots ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Two: The Original Three ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Three: First Creation, Adam ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Four: That Magnificent Flying Machine ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Five: War, Defence ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Six: War, Resources ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Seven: War, Attack ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Eight: War, Negotiation ago
Tec Mage Chapter Forty Nine: Love, Respect And Gold ago
Tec Mage Chapter Fifty: The Down Fall Of Lord Bolt ago
Tec Mage Chapter Fifty One: Not With A Bang Or A Whimper But A .... ago
Tec Mage Chapter Fifty Two: Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder ago
Tec Mage Chapter Fifty Three: When It Rains, It Pours ago
Reviews

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PRESSit
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Forays off the beaten path

Don’t get fooled by the synopsis. This is an amazing story.   Rather than take the common path of throwing someone into a world, giving him OP powers and having all events ‘coincidentally’ go his way (read plot-no-jutsu), Tec Mage has woven an intricate and heartwarming story of a sensible, hardworking protagonist who thinks, plans, and makes things happen. Does he end up powerful? Yes. Not in the normal way though. Does he have influential friends and powerful allies? Yes. He created them himself, and holds true to the mantra that nothing is for free, and that things come to you only if you make them happen. The MC is an inspirational and serving character who sacrifices for others yet never gets run over. Boy he can stand up for himself. And he gets some really cool tricks along the way.   Well written, engaging, and extremely realistic. Tec mage is much more than meets the eye.   Recommend people read it. It will pleasantly surprise you! (or your money back. If you can find me wahaha.)
lucifuge
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 it strikes a great balance between being OP and not so OP for the MC.making it just right for my taste

cuttime
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It's a great story, but the spelling is weird pretty often

All the rides instead of rids, slaves instead of salves, forgetting the s and 's and occasionally mistaking one for the other, quite instead of quiet and many similar cases are kind of annoying.

 

Aside from that it's a really good, inventive story. Definitely not some kind of copycat fanfic but a whole new story that happens to take place in the same world and game. You really miss out if you don't try this.

Volksgeist
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Unique and very interesting

Right from the start incorporating the real world money to gold exchange system and the realistic story of the MC and practical use of VR (for studying). These were elements i very much welcomed. However, i suggest reading through what you have written before posting. There are words like "currant sate" when you meant current state or "severed"  for served. I know through time you can improve on that.  Very witty at incorporating science in battles like the rapid cooling of a very hot surface to make it brittle. Though keep in mind this is Royal Road so stuff like that should be a critical strike and not just easily shatter something like a giant skeleton's head. Otherwise every mage with a fire-ice attribute would shatter almost anything with the same concept. Although they are minor mistakes, I love where you're going with the story and the strong pacifist MC is awesome.
FuzzyDragonBear
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I have really enjoyed the ingenuity of the plot twists and developments that you have incorporated into the story. All the characters seem well built, though I’m a little greedy and want to hear more about all their progress as well from their POV like we did with the mage apprentice that left. I dearly hope you keep on writing! Eager for more!
Axi
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Honestly one of the best fanfictions I've read on this site. It has everything you need to feel for character, which is very unique. Killing bunny, then feeling sorrow for it and making it a grave while repenting (and all other players are like WTF?) - Check. Creating shower in game - Check. Teaching NPC's - Check. Plenty of humour (not childish, but adult humor) - Check.

 

Thank you very much, TenFap, for this story :) 

Killashard
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Good story, abysmal grammar

I really want to give this story a better rating.  I honestly do.  But the sheer amount of grammatical and spelling mistakes makes this an impossibility.  I would not have read this fiction without the story being engaging.

 

The good:

The main character, while "perfect", is interesting.  The fight scenes could use some more detail, but there are some inventive ways to defeat powerful foes.  It isn't just the MC fighting alone.  He has some help with a few NPCs that have their own personality and motivation, albeit shallow and simple.  The chapters are long, which is great.

 

The bad:

Grammar.  How do you have such a grasp of the English language to tell an engaging story and not know the difference between their, there, and they're?  I honestly cannot think of a SINGLE TIME that you have used one of those 3 words correctly.  "There" is used instead of "their" in every single chapter and the one time the correct word was "their", you used "there".  "Quite" is very different from "quiet".  "With held" is one word.  Viscous is not vicious.  Etc.  The list is nearly endless with the wrong words being used.  I'm talking multiple words per chapter.

Do you not know what a period ( . ) and a comma ( , ) are used for?  They are not interchangeable.  You use massive run-on sentences that last for hundreds of words.  Looking at a few chapters, I do not think you use one period outside of ( ... ).

You also need to figure out tenses of words.  I cannot count the number of times I saw the wrong tense.  Ran/run, , hand/hung, swim/swam, etc.  These are different words and need to be treated as such.

 

When I read a story and catch a spelling or grammatical error, I will usually comment about it so the author can make the change to the correct word or fix the grammar.  In this story, I would be unable to do so because I would exceed the character limit. 

Anafan01
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One of the Top 5 Stories on this Site

Tec Mage is by far one of the best stories on this site. Plot, world building, character building are all on point. Some authors love to give the MC's random power ups that turn you off from a story but this author does not. The MC worked for all of his abilities and every power up is justifiable and more importantly believable. 

Some people would want to lead you to believe the story is dull and boring and the MC does  random and seemingly meaningless task, but that is far from the truth. Every action is calculated and the "boring" parts of the story are actually interesting bits of world building and character development. 

Now a big issue a lot of people have is with the grammar and I will say yes it was pretty bad in the beginning, but even at it's worst it is still better than 95 percent of the authors on this site at their best. While i have not gone back to re-read previous chapters, I am currently up to date with this story ( Chapter 47) and I can say the grammar has improved tremendously. With the improved grammar I can say with full confidence this is one of the best stories on this site and you would not regret reading it. 

rayian00
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READ IT or fail at life

really good book 

list:

1. Amazing story line. doesn't go to fast best at a perfect speed.

2. great characters. they start out not OP but evolve bit by bit getting better and better but none the less they are still like able.

3. good gramer. rare cases of mistakes but still they are there just as easy to see as the air.

4. good style. got more style then me and lots more then a man bun.

Argos
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A Review by 'The Group'

Short review:

[spoiler]

Storytelling:

The idea of a different main character is good. His decision to play the game is different from the common reasons found on the site. There is some drive to it, but this is not well done in the story. His reason for playing the game is pushed aside to show the adventures, which felt wasted as it could have been a good potential source of growth for the character. His reasoning for playing the game is also not very understandable since it was such an early scene and was missing reader knowledge of his personality; workaholics can only go so far.

Tec Mage suffers from several style problems that break up the flow of the reading such as lists and time-skips. The lists are generally used to reflect what the MC understood from his perspective, but lists, in general, are not advised as they can cut into the story and can be seen as a place to stop reading. Time skips are fine in long stories, but Tec Mage uses it awkwardly. Large signs that just state “This much time has passed” can cause abrupt stops in the story.

The overall writing of the story does not improve throughout the fanfiction which also causes stagnation in the overall reading. While the format of the paragraphs and lines are fixed somewhat, there are still problems from the first chapter that reappears in the last one.

Format:

One of the problems that persists through the fic is the prevalent misuse of punctuation. Commas are used wherever the author wants them and where periods should be. Periods in general are not used, only in ellipsis or other ways. Paragraphs are not easily linked because of the messy sentences and lack of proper punctuation, and sometimes they have more than one speaker in them. There are many misspelled and misused words in the story that detract from reader progression. As well, game tables do not seem to follow any strict process. You could have one chapter include notification boxes, but skip doing so for the next, thereby leaving a ‘lazy’ impression on readers.

Diction:

The writing itself is relatively understandable, but there are problems as well. The details and descriptions sometimes involve quite a bit of Jargon that can mess with reader comprehension of what is being told. The descriptions also become messy and hard to understand as the quality of writing plus the constant grammatical mistakes end up ruining the effort put into the details.

World Setting/Logic:

Tec Mage runs on a constant stream of original ideas. That being said, the story is set in Royal Road which would be fine if it stayed true to the rules and setting it pulled from LMS. Unfortunately, the author’s original ideas and descriptions are incompatible with LMS. While some ideas are fine, the problem with fanfictions is to know where to add them. The problems found in Tec Mage includes Magic System change, the idea of a Gnoll community, believable pain problems, incredibly overpowered and unique skills that the MC easily acquires, the backstory information on Enchanters and Fishmen, the use of needles to use potions, using common potions to heal and influence the growth of plants, the fact that the average level in the game at the moment seems to be below 100, the low tax rates, and the lack of interest in other craftsman jobs from players.

Main Character:

The MC is different from other characters in other fics, but he does suffer from some inconsistency problems. At the same time, he seems to be too perfect as he takes on various roles easily. He is a mage, fighter, blacksmith, construction worker, inventor, trainer, defender, artist, leader, is knowledgeable in police work and forensics, intimidator, potential spymaster’s master, informant, negotiator, etc. He has virtually no weaknesses and seems to be quite overpowered eventually. There are other characters other than the MC, yet there seems to be only progression for the MC and his group.

Lastly, in the most recent chapter, chapter 36, you had the MC call a merchant “NPC” for all the while he knew him. This seems to clash with his relationship with all the other NPCs in the game. He does not call the tutor lady, NPC tutor lady. He doesn’t call anyone NPC. A style problem that clashes with the MC’s personality and view of other characters, this seems to add to the relative feeling of laziness that have started to appear – you even switch character names…

Characters:

A great many of the characters eventually end up with flat personalities. Only Roark, the only real antagonist in the story, has a properly constructed personality, and his scenes are the few that are any good. His personality is set throughout the story and becomes the only real scenes of importance since he appears to be a recurring villain. Next would be Forge and then Mary, although both have their problems. Especially the most recent scene where there was Forge versus Atlas, a scene that was at odds with Forge’s personality AND his known past.

Most of the characters seem to be there only to help the MC. Mary and Dracken are his personal helpers, Forge is his pet (no matter what he says), Loki is turning into another helper, his Magus teacher is basically a personal skill bank and not very mysterious mystery character, and the other characters all like him. Again, only Roark hates him and this makes him the top character in the story, although you could give him more backstory to clear up some personality mysteries.

Show versus Tell:

The Author does strike a balance between show and tell but has problems with initiating either. The breaks in the story that show time skips cause problems that could be easily fixed by simply telling what happened during the time skip. The details and descriptions the author uses, while showing a deal of effort, are stagnant and unreadable due to bad grammar, messy formatting and jargon. Conversations are also a problem as the dialogues have forced delivery, unless Roark is in the scene.

Summary/Overall: (How, as a reader, I felt the story was. This is a general give or take summary that displays my general feelings of the story.)

As a quick read, the ideas and originality of the fan fiction does attract my interest, but the delivery itself was very underwhelming. The incredible lack of punctuation besides the use of commas to mark pauses made a very difficult read throughout the story, and there was next to no improvement of grammar skills and quality as I read. The abundance of ideas and originality is, unfortunately, spoiled by this poor delivery and poor use of a prebuilt world. The characters themselves were hastily done and the MC’s personality does not seem to be strictly kept. In the end, the MC became OP, not through sheer power or fighting skills of which he has plenty but through his ability to come out of every situation unscathed. There is no serious problem that the MC faces, and this leaves reader knowing, in the end, that the MC will get out of it rather easily. Also, using the world of LMS only served to add to my lowered feelings for the story since it showed a lack of resolve or responsibility in trying to do original world building.

PS: In chapter 35, you switched the names of Roark the ANTAGONIST with the training instructor, Borin…

Score:

Style: 1/5

Story: 2/5

Grammar: 0.5/5

Character: 1/5

Overall: 1/5

 

If you wish to talk more extensively about this, please contact me in RRl chat or by forum message.

[/spoiler]

The extensive, 10 page review is shown in the spoiler section…

[spoiler]

Storytelling:

 

The storytelling of Tec Mage starts off slow but does succeed in grabbing the reader’s attention with its no-nonsense MC and his different approach to the Virtual world. The MC’s goal is to use the game’s time dilation in order to study and acquire his diploma and get his job back. At the same time, his real world skills and ideas serve to change the very method of how one plays the game.

 

This wasn’t an MC that wished to get stronger for any tragic reason, he just wanted to take advantage of the game system and finish his studies sooner. The author also manages to introduce his character to a variety of different events that take Ben, or Atlas in-game, away from his old habits and into the intriguing world of Royal Road.

 

Yet the story itself does suffer from some problems in its initial launch. The prologue goes into the MC’s past and reveals that the MC is a relatively well-off character. He owns a great deal of property, and the rent acquired from it allows him to live comfortably. Even after he got fired, I already had the impression that he did not need to work. Yet the subsequent events led me astray as they clashed with the impression that I was given. Given that his goal to access Royal Road was so odd, I felt a little detached from an MC that would go through such lengths to avenge himself at the loss of his job when it did not affect his livelihood. This does, however, add to the idea of the MC being a man who enjoyed his career and cannot stand doing nothing.

 

Ignoring grammar, which no one really should, we will look at flow. The pace of Tec Mage is relatively slow as the readers are given a look into how the MC invents new things in Royal Road, and it also shows his other actions pretty well. What detracts from this are the abrupt time skips the author uses. Time skips are understandably hard to do but just blatantly smacking a —One Week Later— does not cut it. Finding alternate ways to time skip is a good technique for an author to have. An example would be like having the MC accomplish something and reminisce about the time he or she spent on it. Or have them arrive at a different location and look at the changes that happened around them since they last visited. Anything that could deliver the idea of time skips without the reader having to be given an extensive sign to pronounce it.

 

Along with the time skips, Tec Mage also has a variety of lists that pop up every once in a while. This is a no-no in fictions because it detracts reader from the flow of the story and most would either see it and take a break, or skip it altogether. If you really need to list things, then implement it in your paragraphs and make it part of the story. This way, the information does have the risk of getting ignored and your readers can continue reading the story without pausing so much.

 

Lastly, does your writing improve? Reading from the beginning to the end and then comparing the first chapter with the last, I would have to say no. There is slight improvement on the formatting of the text, but the grammar problems that had appeared in the beginning stay prevalent throughout the fiction.

 

Format:

 

It is very rare to find a proper period anywhere in Tec Mage. I did a quick read-through some time ago and didn’t notice such a large problem because the story was interesting and new. However, after I took a proper look at the writing… the flaws are quite obvious.

 

First, sentences should end with a full stop [.] in order for the reader to understand where each one ends and another begins. Accompanying this, the next sentence should start with a capital. If both are lacking, the paragraph and story becomes incomplete and seems to lack any sort of conscious effort to fix it. Instead of a period, the author uses commas as his way of dividing sections of the paragraph up. There is no full stop at the end of paragraphs either, so additional quotation marks are the only indication if he intends to continue a conversation.

 

The method of speaking used is second. Packing several talking characters into one paragraph is not something anyone wants to read. Having to dissect who said what and then rereading some parts so it makes sense just creates a broken flow to the story. Giving each speaker a new line and also properly adding punctuation in those lines, allows for a smoother story flow. An example of this problem would be when Atlas meets his new apprentices. There are five people conversing within a single paragraph which confuses the reader and limits the effect of the scene.

 

The third problem is the numerous misspelled or misused words. Multiple words are misused — like there/their/they’re or bye/buy — and similar. Some are just plain spelled wrong. A huge recommendation is to reread your chapter and take out a dictionary if you are wondering about anything.

 

I do not know if you are a native English speaker, but if you aren’t then ask for proofreaders. Tec Mage has reached a popularity that allows you, the author, to ask readers for PR volunteers. Take advantage of any volunteers and acquire several PRs who can go through the old chapters and fix up your words and speeches. I do not suggest you have them go through and fix your punctuation. The use of commas as a replacement for periods has reached a point where only you, the author, can understand what is used and what isn’t as well as which sentence should end with what punctuation. Take some time to converse with your PRs and learn various ways to improve your own personal English grammar so that your reliance on PRs, or very lenient readers, will lessen.

 

Diction:

 

The diction of Tec Mage is at a regular level, which is good. Readers can go through the fan fiction without having to see any long, exaggerated words, and they also won’t be disappointed with too easy of a read. One problem with the diction is the use of jargon that pops up every now and then. Some words and phrases are a little lost on new readers and sometimes I had to go and google the word for a proper definition. The jargon mixed with jumbled conversations and messy punctuation makes Tec Mage a fiction with a distorted flow as well as a great need for more polishing.

 

One of the highlights of the fan fiction is it’s premise of a solid inventor who plays the game in his own, abnormal way. The explanations, however detailed, suffer from the grammar which means readers can only follow Atlas’ skills after the invention has been complete. Examples include the forge he makes, shower, mechanical dummies, equipment, and etc. Grammar is very important, not because it makes the story look pretty, but because it allows more people to understand what is happening.

 

World Setting:

 

As the Author is using LMS’ Royal Road as the setting for his story, this will mainly go through the details that LMS already gives and cannot be marked or reviewed. However, I would have to suggest that the author go through his story and remove the Royal Road setting in favour of a proper Original VR world. There are several reasons for this but mainly the fact that the author is in danger of losing readers who feel he has changed the original world too much.

 

An example is the introduction of the gnolls. Monsters are, as the game states, without any hope of creating their own civilization. Unfortunately, the Author managed to take this one race and civilize it, an action more noteworthy than it seems. For if gnolls can do so, how about the other races? Can they not learn to do the same? Goblins, yetis, apes, or any other two legged, opposable thumb race could also have their own civilization. Allowing such a distortion adds a sort of oddity to the story and it raises more questions than answers. This seems like a superficial error for the sake of plot progress but it may also be that the author will explain the reason for their difference later. If he truly does explain it, it will be better to do so earlier rather than later, to avoid the risk of appearing like the decision was a random one or one that was done to patch a hole. As a small suggestion for solving this, have the gnoll race be replaced with an uncivilized version of humans. This allows you to continue having the MC assist the unfortunate group, while also having them (dirty humans) be looked down upon by the city people. Or, at the very least, give the explanation very early in the story.

 

World Logic:

 

As this is a fan fiction of LMS, we shall talk about the laws, rules, or systems already seen in LMS. First is the magic system and how it is used in Tec Mage. The magic in LMS seems to be System assist. That is, it uses incantations to start magic while staves and equips aim and enhance magic, and scrolls cast single-use-only magic that the player can’t personally cast unassisted. Nowhere does LMS talk about Manual Assist Magic, something the MC uses well. Not only the MC either, the other mages seem to follow the same type of magic and this contrasts with the world of LMS. This is the limitation of a fan fiction. Good ideas struggle under the limit set by the original world, and ideas that do not appear in the original can only bring down the quality of the fan fiction.

 

Along with this, the gnoll arc is also subject to such a problem. Civilizing monsters is, more or less, not something that is easily done, and it raises the previous question of how many different types of monsters can also be civilized. It also conflicts with a major part of the LMS world: monster spawning points in the game ARE real. This means the act of a civilized community for the gnoll would not be realistically implemented in the VR world of LMS and thus creates a problem for the idea of the Gnoll race. The second large race that the MC meets is the fishmen, but they seem to have a spawn point and are systematically farmed by the gnolls which clashes with the community idea.

 

Other disconnects between LMS and Tec Mage are the use of needles to use potions, using potions to heal and influence the growth of plants, the fact that the average level in the game at the moment seems to be below 100, the low tax rates, and the lack of interest in other craftsman jobs from players. The reason the last three were stated was because the fan fiction makes a mention of the Geomchis. If the game has advanced enough for the newscast to actually mention them, then the game’s average level should be above 250-350, the taxes should be high everywhere except the north, and people have followed Weed’s path and taken up craft professions.

 

Pain is also a factor in this. LMS world is a world fraught with danger. People die left and right and the pain that accompanies it is dulled enough that they can go out and continue their journey. What seemed off was the idea that Atlas’ melted hand could cause that amount of pain. Several instances in LMS had players melt by acid or lava or other ways. The pain that accompanied their deaths seemed to be much less than Atlas’ injury, which seemed to be odd for the story flow. I found myself frowning at it, not because of the action itself, but because I could not imagine such a scenario and felt the story was becoming more flawed. If you make your own VR world, you could change the pain levels yourself or at least make it so people do not continually think of LMS pain levels when they read your work.

 

The various unique-like skills the MC acquires also raises a few questions. Perceptual Chronometer is one of the the most overpowered skills I have read, to this date. Low mana cost, coupled with its insane ability to allow the user to think faster (this becomes as high as 300% faster at 2 mana per second), makes the skill too much of a problem in the world of LMS. Based on the requirement to get the skill – you had to really panic and fear for something – I expect a skill like this to be much more widespread in Royal Road. Weed himself would probably have the will to pull off the requirements just based on his greed and anger. A suggestion is to restrict this skill more. At the same time, add more requirements for its unlocking; just desiring to save someone is easy enough to be unlocked for a good majority of the players, dark gamers and NPCs in Royal Road.

 

Complexity of the MC:

 

The MC of Tec Mage is Ben, a middle aged and large man who looks younger than he really is. From what the fan fiction tells of him, Ben is a person who likes to think things through and is calm when needed due to martial training and the help of the previous foreman of the company he was at. A foreman himself, Ben, or Atlas in-game, is quite proficient at creating modern items that better the living conditions of the medieval game era. His knowledge is always useful in the game but again suffers from the limit of the story being a fan fiction. In an original VR game setting, the author would be able to accommodate his character by changing the game up to suit his needs. Changing the setting of the already structured LMS world leads to problems if people have read LMS and moved on to here.

 

However, Atlas is rather consistent in his creation of new and increasingly complex items as the game progresses as well as his personal morals. He does not like senseless killing which is shown when he buries a rabbit and prays for it (although the praying part was random and seemed to have been a one-time thing, avoid this). His dislike of killing for no reason is given as the reason why he did not kill the gnoll on site and is the start of his relationship with the dog-like race. There are a few areas of inconsistency though. Even if the term is ‘senseless killing’ in that he does not just kill the monsters for EXP, there is still the act of converting a spawn area into a veritable butchery farm. It doesn’t matter how monstrous the fishmen were; having one type of monster set up an area devoted to butchering another monster seems kind of off for his personality and morals. Atlas seems to think he has a large responsibility, but it can only go so far before it becomes the opposite of what his morals should accept as right. A better idea is to create a more specialized form of farming in order to feed the gnolls. If they are attacked by monsters, then that meat can be harvested. Both ideas are better than the cold, detached butchery of an entire monster race for the sake of another monster race.

 

Another deviation from his stated personality is the rage he sometimes exhibits. Given his profession as a foreman, he should have quite a bit of patience since he needs to deal with rowdy people. This is done well the first few times, but there are a few random moments he just snaps. The problem isn’t so much the fact that the main character can get angry, it is mainly how it was written. Instead of progressing the situation to a point where anyone can get angry and it seems like the MC is about to explode, you have very short conversations that make the scene lack much emotion. This causes the MC’s emotional responses to lack the proper impact and just seem hasty. For example, there is Atlas and Kevien’s relationship.  Kevien grows spoiled under his apprenticeship with Atlas, and the man doesn’t seem to do much to stop this. His punishments are meagre and light, as if he couldn’t figure out a way to discipline the younger man. This seems at odds with his previous occupation where he had to deal with rough, younger men, and the fact that he was also a young man himself. Progression of characters aside, it seems that the MC’s actions towards other people occur at random and are simply done to fit the scene or wish of the author. To fix this, keep a profile page for your MC that includes his personality, past events that influenced him, how he reacts to people and how he would deal with problems. Being able to stop a group of rough men and fit in with others seems to differ from not being able to discipline a problem child. (I disagree. While you would think that he could apply the same logic, a good manager can also be bad with his own children. While the apprentice is not a child per se, the relationship can be similar and id be willing to give some leeway here. I did not read the story, however, so ill leave the believability of it up to you)

 

Other Characters:

 

For this, we will go through various sets of characters.

 

First will be the apprentices Atlas has. Mary, Dracken, and Forge are the three apprentices that have lasted till the most recent chapter. In terms of personality, they really do not seem to have much; only what seems to help the MC along. For example, Mary’s afraid of monsters and the like, but it seemed to be included just to show the relative oddness of Atlas’ actions in befriending them. Her reaction to Forge seemed a touch too much in terms of fright, especially since she seems to be the most physically strong of the main characters. Her background is only touched upon and never given much more thought.

 

Dracken is extremely flat as a character as he only seems to be a fervent believer in the Atlas religion. He has zero problems with the main character, and if he has problems, then he mainly goes to Atlas for help.

 

Last is Forge who has the most individualistic character. An imugi, Forge is around 300 years old and acts the most childish. He also seems to have the most character as his actions and dialogue make him more realistic. His fears and hopes are known to readers due to his past, and he is a good character overall. The one problem I had with him was when he and Atlas fought in the most recent chapters. He felt he was betrayed, but this seemed to clash with his personal feelings, his past, and any foresight of what would have happened later on. First off, the dwarf blacksmith was about to take back ownership of Forge. His pride somehow became bigger than his fear of his former master and this seemed to clash with Forge’s previous character traits and lessen the amount of feelings people may have had with him.

 

Second set will be the secondary characters around the MC. That is, Loki, the Magus master of Atlas, Roark the Dwarf, and Beast the alpha.

 

Loki was a fun character when he was introduced. As the only other player character, he a breathe of fresh air after all the fics that produce zero player companions to the MC. Having the hidden class of Fool, he gets bonuses when he does random things and the things he does seem fun and interesting. In the more recent chapters, however, Loki seems to have run out of steam as a Fool. His actions become less random and he has become more of an Atlas follower than anything. He and Dracken start to become similar to each other which becomes a problem.

 

Next is the magus teacher… and I have no idea what she is used for. All she seems to do is give Atlas new skills that help with whatever he needs. There doesn’t seem to be much else as she doesn’t act like a proper teacher or master when she teaches Atlas. More like people on equal footing with one side giving more to the other side and getting nothing in return. The most recent chapters explain more of her past, but this is still vague on her importance to the MC. Also, the heartfelt scene felt a little… forced.

 

Roark is probably the most developed character. Angry, greedy, cunning but not very smart, Roark is a good antagonist and serves to develop the story greatly. His backstory could be developed more however since he seems unjustly evil. As the only blacksmith in town, it seems odd that he would develop such a personality, so more information would do wonders.

 

Interaction between Characters and the World:

 

Atlas and his apprentices seem to be the focal point of the town they are staying in. Mary is the only other blacksmith of any skill, which means that after Roark’s business gets into trouble, Mary is there to take over all his orders. Dracken is the big bad boss of the underground world in town. At the same time, he’s only 16-18 and the real boss is Atlas. Atlas himself seems to do a great deal of jobs in the city, and the effect is that most everyone knows him. All in all, there doesn’t seem to be much progress on the World side. If I had to call this something, I would call this ineffectual OP; whatever seems to happen, happens to Atlas and co. There doesn’t seem to be any other strong person in the town. As Atlas and co.’s levels increase, so does everyone else’s. This is very odd since they barely hunt. Please keep in mind that your characters are not the only ones in the world.

 

This is the era of Weed and the Geomchis. This means there will be more craftsmen professions who pop up, so why are Mary and Roark seemingly the only two blacksmiths in town? The backstory for the Enchanters seem to only be for the town they are staying at. The gnolls have a community type of society while all other monsters have spawn points. This seems to be very convenient for the MC’s plotline. The ideas that are stated in Tec Mage do not seem to have a great deal of forethought behind them. Overall, the ideas seem to exhibit the desire to push the theme of a plot-armoured main character. Everything he does will, more or less, make him look good in front of everyone. Does the MC do everything? He is a mage, fighter, blacksmith, construction worker, inventor, trainer, defender, artist, leader, is knowledgeable in police work and forensics, intimidator, potential spymaster’s master, merchant (at least, it seems like he and Loki will go down that road), informant, negotiator, etc. He does not seem to have a weakness in the least, except for the few times the author deviates from his personality to show some small sort of struggle.

 

In summary, the story focuses a great deal on the main characters while ignoring the rest of the world. Nothing much seems to happen unless the characters are there or are part of the event in some way. Only when the characters are there do any problems seem to become resolved or finished. A common problem is the relation between players and the characters. The few scenes that show other players are mainly parts where the MC is showing off something new and unique, or done as a way of comparison. The amount of NPCs and players amazed at the MC’s actions is rather high. Problem with the underground elements of the city? Have the MC help the police force and then have his apprentice have a hand in the underground workings and become the MC’s personal information broker. Only one blacksmith shop in the city? Make a plot that tears down the store and put the MC’s other apprentice as the replacement. Problem between Enchanters and Mages? Have the MC solve it. The focus of the story is unrealistically situated on the author’s characters while everyone else seems to be along for the ride in some way.(A summary of sorts would be nice here. You don’t seem to decisively answer your own questions at the start.)

 

Show versus Tell? Realistic Dialogue:

 

The author strikes a sort of balance between Show and Tell. He knows when to show the details of the MC’s work and knows when to skip a great deal of boring information to tell the story. This is good, but it still suffers from the bad grammar which is most prevalent when the author shows the MC’s actions. Having to read messy paragraphs and non-existent sentences about the MC’s task only serves to mess up reader’s knowledge about what is being made. For example, when the MC was making the attack scarecrow, the descriptions suffered from lack of proper punctuation, imagery, wording, tenses, and spelling which all lead to, in my first read, skimming of the information in order to understand what was made.

 

Another problem is the use of time skips, as stated before. Telling the story would be more effective than simple smacking a large –2 months later– in the middle of the story. Also, you do not need to continually put in small interjections in the story to state that it was the next day or the next week and so on. Easing the time skips into the story is much more effective than stating it outright.

 

For dialogue, I felt that it was weak unless it was Roark who was speaking. Unlike the MC who randomly gives out poetic or philosophical sayings, Roark is gruff and angry most of the time. The old magus teacher would probably be the second character with rather good dialogue, while the other characters seem to have forced dialogue. For example, the first meeting between Atlas and his apprentices seemed quite odd. He had to sort out their payment and such, but the deal seemed oddly professional for just 16-year-old teens. For a more recent conversation there is the one between the Elemental Blacksmith and Mary. The entire conversation seemed to be forced and strove to increase the mystique and importance of Atlas’ role in the city, especially when the elemental blacksmith seemed very interested in Mary’s master due to his skills. Conversations suffer from the lack of grammar as well.

 

Originality versus Storytelling:

 

In terms of originality, Tec Mage is quite good. Atlas is a different MC from others and the only other close MC on RRl, which I have read, would be Master of All’s young Ren or Elementarem Vim’s Weed. Unlike Master of All though, Tec Mage goes into more of the technical aspects of the inventions and the details are much more extensive. At the same time, the storytelling is subpar as the author does not seem to care about increasing the quality of his work. At the moment, the originality seems to try and hold up the storytelling, but cannot do so because the story takes place in the world of LMS which cuts into Originality.

 

General Logic:

 

First will be the logic of a monster community/society. Gnolls have no reason to be above the other monster races and have a sentient society that the MC can find and help. The reason why this is a hole is because of the LMS idea of a Spawn Point which Weed occasionally comes across. Communities are formed because the individual members of it are weak and the community is needed to help continue the race itself. With a Spawn Point, there is no need for the community. Instead, if the community idea is enacted AND there is a spawn point, the overall number of monsters would increase exponentially and become a great threat to the races which do not have spawn points.

 

Another problem is how the history of the fishmen’s origins messes up with the idea of their spawn point. Even if the creator brought the creature to that place, how does that act as a way for the fishmen to continually spawn and become farmed by the gnolls? Giving too much information about the fishmen race and attempting to boost the MC’s power only serves to increase the holes within the story.

 

Watch out that you do not risk the story’s plotline in favour of MC power growth or attempted character progression. An example is the private who arrests the MC at Roark’s words. He first arrests the MC because he had seen his boss successfully interrogate a criminal and have him confess. You then later have the private already attempt this type of interrogation and were now doing so to get a promotion. This is at odds with the first look of the private and, again, seems to be added so the MC can use it against his captor. Another one is when Forge was angry at the MC for no real good reason. You may say feelings are illogical, but even so I would believe that fear of Roark would have triumphed against pride of being a pet.

Chapter 35 had you switch the names of the Dwarf, Roark, with the Training Instructor, Borin…

 

Summary/Overall: (How, as a reader, I felt the story was. This is a general give or take score that displays my general feelings of the story.)

 

As a general read through, the ideas and originality of the fan fiction does tend to attract my interest, but the delivery itself was very underwhelming. There was next to no improvement of grammar skills and quality as I read, and the ideas and events started to overwhelm my first impressions of the story. In the end, the MC became OP, not through sheer power or fighting skills, but through his ability to come out of every situation unscathed. Also, using the world of LMS only served to add to my lowered feelings for the story since it showed a lack of resolve or responsibility in trying to world build. Lastly, I feel that if the Grammar was improved, then the story itself would probably jump several levels to reach its proper status..

 

Score:

 

Style: 1/5

Story: 2/5

Grammar: 0.5/5

Character: 1/5

Overall: 1/5

 

Suggestions:

  • Get several PRs.
  • Go through your fiction and fix up the punctuation problems. Not recommended to have a PR do this…
  • Create profile pages for every character. Or at least the main ones.
  • Remove the world of LMS from the story and convert it to an original world.
  • Take the character’s personality into account and have dialogue work with that personality.
  • Your characters are not the only people in the world. Not everything can go according to plan.
  • Make sure you know what goal your MC wants. At the moment you have him aiming for the foreman position, but what happens after? Does he stop playing or does he continue?
  • Enemies should not be so dumb. Roark’s personality and brains was perfect, but everyone else seems extremely sub-par.
  • Magus Master does not do much. Have her do more…
  • Kevien’s thoughts and personality seems to conflict in his most recent scene. Plus, what was he doing during the time he had free time? You kind of left that out…
  • If you do get PRs, listen to their advice and improve based on that.

 [/spoiler]