Hand to Toilet Combat

I half sprinted across the empty hallway, making a beeline to the restroom.

Contrary to my haste, I really didn’t need to use the bathroom, it was just… I needed an escape. Back there, that was a seriously embarrassing moment, and I wouldn’t doubt I made it even worse by running way.

I sighed dejectedly as I turned the next corner.

Shortly after, I arrived at the nearest restroom, a place located on the western edge of the third floor of the older section of the school building. It was a rarely used restroom, and more so now during class, when the majority of the students were all stuck in their respective classrooms, all anticipating the last remaining minutes of the school year.

Honestly, I considered myself to be a lot more excited than many other people. While most had plans revolving their social lives, hanging out with friends or family, maybe going on a trip... I made the quick decision, all the way back in winter, that I would spend the whole summer alone, away from people. Unlike  the others, who could all meet and hang out with each other all year long, I really only had this one break to spend my time in absolute isolation.

To me, this time was more precious than anything else.

If something were to happen before I could enjoy my time in solitude, well, let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.

I thought such useless things as I quickly entered the restroom.

The place was empty, void of any life save for my own.

I shifted my gaze from left to right, briefly noting the two stalls with their doors closed and the row of urinals that stood beside them along the wall.

Opposite of them, was a row of sinks situated across the tiled room.

I moved over to the farthest urinal from the doorway and took care of what I needed to do in a rather slow manner.

I wasn’t really rushing, rather, I wanted to postpone my return to class as long as possible.

After I finished, I walked across the room and leisurely looked at myself in one of the bathroom mirrors.

I made a brief attempt to fix my messy, black hair, creasing it this way, or that, in a vain attempt to make myself look somewhat presentable. Eventually, I gave up with a loud and frustrated sigh.

I lamented over my rather disheveled hair, and at the dark circles around my eyes, which indicated my lack of sleep. I gave off a rather glum and tired atmosphere, which I didn’t really think was all bad, but probably wasn’t any good either.

[Well, at least, I’m not completely pathetic looking]

I commented inwardly in a half self deprecating tone.

I took martial arts as a kid, and while I’ve forgotten most of everything, I did still retain some of the movements that years of training ingrained in me. With some prior, almost all faded remnants of knowledge, I also retain a good, well, somewhat decent physique.

I wasn’t overly muscular, just, I wasn’t fat or skinny either.

I guess the best word to describe it would be… normal?

Breaking my stare, which had quickly grown into a glare, with the mirror, I washed my hands rather half heartedly and began to make my way out of the room. I was in a much better mood than before, the embarrassment from prior almost all gone now, when an unexpected flushing noise reverberated within the room.

I flinched, rising a good centimeter or two above the air, before I slowly turned towards the noise.

The restroom was deathly quiet, showing no indication that the noise from before even existed. Yet, despite that, I couldn’t help but shiver as a sense of uneases slowly settled within  me.

Maybe it was the fact that I was currently alone right now, or maybe it was the fact that I had such an overactive imagination, who knows. But right now, I felt...scared.

I gulped. Before I noticed, the room had developed quite an ominous atmosphere as I briefly noted that there was nobody in here besides myself.

I squatted down, hoping to see a pair of feet from within the stalls, unfortunately, like I said earlier, there was nobody in here besides myself.

“M-maybe that was just my imagination.” I tried reasoning with my imaginative mind.

Struggling with my growing fear and with my innate human curiosity, I stood on the same spot rather rigidly, conflicted as to whether I should go and investigate the stalls or run like hell out of the restroom.

I contemplated such things when I heard a second wet squelching sound plop onto the tiled floor.

[O-okay… now I definitely know I wasn’t hearing things…]

The fear winning out, I slowly shuffled to the back of the restroom, maximizing as much distance as possible between me and the stalls.

Unfortunately, this particular restroom was rather small in size, so I’m afraid there wasn’t much of a place to run to.

Squelch Squelch

The spine tingling noise continued, and before long, I could make out what looked to be feet on the tile floors. Unfortunately, these weren’t the mind relieving pair of sneakers common in most teenage males.  There were a few things that were a bit unusual about this particular pair of feet; they weren’t here before, they were very small, and they were green.

The annoying noise continued before another flushing sound rang out from the same stall. Shortly after, the door squeaked open.

Goblin (???)

A vibrantly green tiny person came out.

Er, that might not have been much of an accurate description, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the little abomination.

It was green, and had the body of a small child, except its muscles were all thin and wirey. An ugly smirk and a fresh set of canines adnored the creature’s face. For clothing, the thing had a thin piece of loincloth which loosely wrapped itself around the creatures groin.

Unfortunately, the loincloth was rather...wet, so it stuck closely to things I would have rather not seen.

Despite its out of this world appearance, the oddest thing that immediately caught my attention though was the pale blue  rectangle that floated freely above the creature’s head. It resembled the status screens you’d usually see in an rpg. Conveniently it also displayed similar information.

Although this time around, it was a bit lacking, as it only showed me the name of the creature.

“G-goblin….” I unconsciously whispered as I read aloud the contents of the status screen.

The Goblin’s ears immediately perked up as the word escaped through the cracks of my lips. Drawn by the sound, it hastily turned its head towards me, before its smirk turned into a full blown crescent grin, revealing its frighteningly terrifying canines.

“AH, AH!” It uttered, as it reached around its back, and brandished a short sword.

Well, a goblin sized short sword. If it were used by a human, then it would have been at most a dagger.

Nevertheless, the appearance of such a dangerous object immediately turned on the warning signs in my brain.

I vaguely remembered a lesson on fighting an armed opponent back when I practiced martial arts, although I doubt they anticipated my opponent to be a .5 meter tall savage.

The goblin reared the sword in front of him, pointing it threateningly at me as it walked closer, its steps emphasized by the familiar squelching noise.

[Come to think of it, did this thing come out of the toilet?]

A pointless question popped into my head just as the Goblin lunged  forward with an unexpected speed.

Its sword narrowly missed me, as I reflexively lunged to the left. I’d later realize this, but just now, I had narrowly avoided the jaws of death.

The sword struck a mirror behind me, shattering the glass. In my haste, I accidentally put too much pressure into my dodge, and banged my head against an inconveniently placed wall. My legs buckled from the impact, and I fell onto the tiled surface.

The goblin quickly reared its head towards me, its sword at the ready.

Before it could strike out though, I reflexively kicked out, hitting the creature directly in its jugular.

My kick was angled up into the air, and whether it be due to the surprising amount of power my strike had or because the goblin was just so light, the kick sent him flying a good 2 meters up into the air.

As it fell down, it landed heavily with a thud onto the sink, inadvertently activating the motion sensor faucets.

-15 hp

Another blue status screen emerged from above the Goblin’s head before it quickly faded away. I would have taken more notice had I not been struggling to crawl out of this wretched bathroom.

I crawled along the floor, panic overtaking my rational mind. My goal was the exit, and I desperately made my great escape, fully aware of the threat that loomed behind me.

I casted a quick glance backwards, only to see the green creature, dripping wet, and angry. Somehow, during our brief encounter, it had lost that flimsy piece of loincloth.

I’d rather not comment on the dangling pair of somethings though…

It (the goblin, not the goblin’s balls) glared reproachfully at me before it jumped of the sink, only to land on a puddle on the tile floor and slip.

-3 hp

It crashed down onto the ground, and amazingly lost some hp.

[Is it an idiot or something?]

I couldn’t help but comment in my head.

Although, the goblin quickly got up on its feet and began a careful stride in my direction. While its speed was slower than before, mostly since it was now aware of the danger of wet floors, it was still progressing at me faster than I could crawl away.

It brandished its sword threateningly up in the air, and for an instant I thought the thing was going to through it or something.

I was right.


The blade whistled through the air, before its movement was abruptly stopped by my left leg. The sword lodged itself deep into my thigh, as a piercing scream leaked out of my throat.

“Gihihihi!” The goblin in return smirked at the sight of my suffering, before it gleefully began hopping carelessly in my direction.

-2 hp

I couldn’t even properly enjoy seeing the stupid shit slip and fall. The pain was currently wrecking my nervous system with dols of torture I was not accustomed to.

While I was still wriggling, and after it had recovered, the creature continued to approach closer and closer.

When it reached my foot, it sunk sharp claws into my ankle, opting instead to use its natural weapons seeing as it had discarded its original.

The claws ushered in another round of screaming from me.

The Goblin once again laughed gleefully at my reaction.

Mr. Goblin over here seemed to rather enjoy the torture he was currently giving me. From his happily twisted expression, he loved playing with his food (which I quickly came to believe was my position).

For some reason I felt annoyed by this thing’s enjoyment.

I wasn’t really about to get KIA (Killed in Action) by some short, fantasy-styled midget, was I? That really didn’t make much sense, especially in a civilized world like this. Goblins don’t exist, so my death won’t exist either!

With weird determination swelling up within me, my left hand flashed towards the embedded blade on my thigh. Gripping the small handle with as much strength as I could muster, I yanked the beast out, as if it symbolized my will to survive.

In retrospect, such an action would have been disastrous. Had that sword struck a major artery or something, I’d be dying, bleeding out on this dirty restroom floor. But right now the excess dopamine running through my system both clouded my judgement, and increased my will to survive.

Imitating what the goblin had done, I threw the blade towards his direction, infusing the object with as much will and desperate determination as I could muster.

Unfortunately, determination doesn’t really work in the real world.

The tiny short sword sailed past his head, a good 5 centimeters off. The creature reflexively trailed the blade with its eyes, before it turned to me with a smirk.

I had completely missed and the Goblin knew it!

Too bad for the green abomination, the throw was merely a distraction!

...Actually, that was a lie, I really wanted that thing to die through my fantastic knife throwing skills...But luckily, I was unexpectedly fast on my feet.

In the next instant, its yellow eyes widened in surprise as the life began to fade from its face.

Critical Hit!

Due to landing a fatal blow, the effect [instant death] has been activated.

[Instant Death] = Loss of all remaining HP.

I grimaced, at my now bloody hand, as I watched the goblin writhe and spasm.

I dazedly looked at my injured hand while recounting what just happened:

At the moment the goblin looked away to follow the blade with its eyes, my body moved into gear.

My other hand rocketed forward, groping at the large pieces of glass fragments that scattered the floor. Finding a good enough size, my hand grasped it without hesitation. I ignored the wound it opened up on my palm, as I desperately stabbed the jagged edge into the most vulnerable spot I could see; its neck.

The goblin’s neck, like much of its body, was unnaturally thin, so when the glass pierced itself into the goblin’s neck, it didn’t just cut skin. It tore through some veins, arteries, and maybe even bone.

In the end, I left the glass fragment embedded in the creature’s neck, opting to cradle my injured palm with the other hand as I looked at my bloody handiwork.

Really, it was quite a lucky win. Had that bastard been more careful and hadn't underestimated me, I would be the one lifeless and laying fish eyed on the floor.

Luckily, everything ended up like this, and he was the one dead, and not me.

A million thoughts filled my head while I absentmindedly stated at the gruesome scene. They jumbled up, mixing my curiosity, fear, anxiety, and dissipating excitement into one cohesive ball of confusion.

[What the heck was that?]

[It smelled like shit!]

[Why did it attack me!]

[What were those blue screens on top of its head?]

[It smelled like shit!]

[Will I get infected if I get goblin blood in my open wound? Goblin AIDs?!]

I caressed my open wound rather carefully, as thoughts like that roamed my mind, but before I could verbally express any of these thoughts, a ding reverberated in my skull. A moment later, another blue screen conveniently popped itself up right in front of me.


Conquest! : Special Kill Confirmed.

Calculating bonuses…………...


“....The hell is this?”

I stared with narrow eyes, as I waited for my “bonuses” to calculate.

Next Chapter

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About the author


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Bio: Person who likes to write. In college.

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Abyssdarkfire @Abyssdarkfire ago

This is gonna be very interesting can't wait for more

Scarecrow @Scarecrow ago

Why a goblin? A slime crawling out of toilet would make more sense(?). You don't want to be labeled as kinslayer? '-'

P.S. In the description, you put an emphasis on the word game with three * mark on its left and two * on its right... Balance it pls. Idk why but seeing it like that causing me a headache..

superloner @superloner ago

Wish this world would have something like that happen.

P1k4ch6 @P1k4ch6 ago

This seems to be interesting..let's see how things develope more :)

starfyre7 @starfyre7 ago

I like this premise. I will keep following this series.

torauma @torauma ago

goblin aids... i can´t stop laughing xDDDDDD
love it^^

mataneloro @mataneloro ago

i think this is hachiman when he is transported to fantasy world lol
still clynical in battle and useless thinking at heat of battle\
thanks for chapter

Merame @Merame ago

Thanks for the chapter :)