The Monsters Inside Me

by Ultra Nex

Original Action Adventure Fantasy Horror Psychological Tragedy Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Sexual Content
Azrathan, a world of the dead and living. Constantly besieged by the dark evil known as Revenants and protected only by the Wraiths. Beings of flesh and blood joined with the spirits of the deceased.

A world filled with """"monsters"""".

Our story will follow one such one very special boy and his rise. His rise to what you ask?

Well, you'll have to read to find out.

PR: Leon Das
Editor: Lecompte

WARNING

Right now I'm in the middle of rewriting the story. If your a new reader I wouldn't go Past chapters marked (R) as they are liable to be changed.

Apologies to my readers who read all of the original chapters before the edits, but in the end I think it will improve the experience overall.
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
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Ultra Nex

Ultra Nex

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White Timberwolf
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A interesting tale of darkness and discovery.

The MC is both mystifying and yet connectable, brought through the thoughts and words that drives home every time.  The emotion eating could use some work though.

4/5 for character and writing style.

 

The story is rather well thought out so far, using a different type of Summoner/Summoned fighters than I've seen compared to the rest of the stories around but still having the Summoner be in the thick of it. The battling scenes need just a bit of polish, as do the location details IMO.

3.5/5

 

Impeccable grammar so far, no problems from me there. 5/5

 

All in all,  solid 4/5! Keep up with this, it's mental gold.

NexXx
  • Overall Score

Although not much of it is done I’m really enjoying what is there so far! Keep up the good work. 

Dragon3231
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 Love it so far can't wait to read more of it. = )

SpinSanity
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Hard to Follow the Author's Story

 I saw on the proofreading and review thread that you were looking for some people to review your story. I am going to try to say both where you do well and where you have done less well. I will also note I only read the first five chapters. My overall score is based off whether I would recommend it to other people.

Grammar:

Your grammar overall is fine. There are errors, the errors are noticeable and sometimes the errors are even distracting. But really the fiction is very readable, which is makes it probably better than half the fictions on the site. However, you have a huge problem with using modifiers correctly.

This is the first sentence of your fiction and a great example of this problem:

" A great hall, one that the gods themselves would have been awed by."

This isn't a sentence. It has no verb. With modifying phrases you have to think of them like they are an adverb or an adjective. Everything after the comma is simply a descriptor, so what your sentence reads when you remove it is, "A great hall," its a lot clearer to tell here with this version that your sentence lacks a verb.

You do this almost every other sentence to the point where I have to assume that this is your writing style. I have the same exact problem in my writing which is why I am keen on noticing it. Easy fix though, just go through your sentences determine if it has a verb or if it does not, and fix the ones that don't. 


Style:

Stylistically you fall into the trap of using a lot of cliches. Not a huge deal, I would just go on to one of the many writing editing softwares that can be found (prowritingaid), paste your chapters in, and look at all your cliches. Then you can remove them and replace them with  more creative sentences. Although this won't get rid of all the cliches it will get rid of a lot of them.

The biggest problem with your style is you pick and choose what you describe. What I found through reading the first five chapters is that sometimes your heavily descriptive of things that don't really matter, especially setting. You do what I call a description drop where you just drop the entire setting in three paragraphs. Although it is vividly described I would the descriptions more integrated with your characters actions. Instead of describing what the carpets look like say how he bled on the previously beautiful carpets or instead of telling me the statues appearance say he brushed a gentle hand over their altered faces.

And then on the other hand  you assume the reader is able to read your mind. It leads to a really confusing story. I sometimes think I am must have not read some information, then I go look back and realize you just never told us about what it is. I assume some of it is purposeful, that your setting up a mystery of sorts. But other parts are definitely just missing info. What you need to do to fix this is go through your story and ask yourself, if I was a reader would I know what I mean by this statement? Is keeping my readers in the dark about this really important for the suspense of the story? If your answer is no to either question I would change it.

 

Story

It's interesting. No joke, royalroad it has some interesting elements. If you need a reason to read it this is it It is definitely unique and not just some already created light novel 2.0. However the style of the author makes it really confusing and hard to follow. If the author can fix the stylistic problems and the grammar errors, I would assume that this is a 9/10 novel.

I would have some comments about it but unfortunately am so lost in some places due to your confusing style of writing that I cant give you any more comments. You can tell though it has some unique elements that just need to be written and explained more clearly.

 

Character

The MC character is kinda meh. He doesn't seem to have any noteworthy traits. He doesn't really have a goal either. Pretty generic overall. He has an interesting background which gives me hope that he doesn't go down the route of "generic blob who can change shape to fit in any situation" MC. 

The side characters are also meh. What I would do is go and find some sort of acting template online that has a bunch of questions about a character:"Main goal" "Hobbies" "personality" "favorite color" etc. Try to answer all those and make them all fit together. Then you'll have a character that actually definable personality.

 

Overall

An interesting story, with very readable grammar. However the style and weird sentence structures makes it very hard to follow and understand. The characters aren't very developed either. 

However with simple fixes this story can become amazing. Right now though it is just not at a point where I would recommend it.