Edenawe by Rulpra

by rulpra

Original Action Adventure Comedy Fantasy Romance Martial Arts
A young man, after finishing his everyday routine, a powerful headache, a blinding white light and hearing a creepy voice suddenly get's transported into another world that has similar rules to an RPG.

Will he find the truth about how he got here?
Will he survive the trials that lay ahead?
Will he ever return home?
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
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  • Total Views :
  • 315,573
  • Average Views :
  • 15,027
  • Followers :
  • 835
  • Favorites :
  • 281
  • Ratings :
  • 98
  • Pages :
  • 184
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rulpra

rulpra

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G3ni
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Not Bad - Can be Better

Well where should I start…. Good beginning and I should say the concept and the world seem interesting enough. For a FF you’re doing good. 

 

However, the character depth and the story line don’t seem to have enough detail in them. The chapters individually maybe okay the overall story has a kind of choppy feel to them and doesn’t flow very well.. Though there are mistakes in grammar and the style of writing seems more like statements joined together - hopefully you'll get a better flow as the story progresses (good enough for FF though).

 

I think if you would like to improve, have a clear image of the long-term and short-term problems paul would have. If you do have a long-term goal (in where the a story is headed), currently you don’t have enough set backs and limitations for the MC to make the story more interesting.

His OP should be hidden due to being a world traveller.. Have a few more secrets he can’t share with anyone… Give him a personality into why he is helping so selflessly – which seems slightly odd (a normal guy who get power and then after a few challenges becomes a lord – with enormous funds etc. – hopefully you see the problem).. Have something happen behind the scenes (maybe with the guilds or the other power factions etc.).. what are the reactions of people who cannot find him… maybe reveal the sage’s(?) background (from the beginning) and the guy who helped him. Maybe introduce some of the other world travellers.. Have greater consequences for things that he does – making fun of the captain, taking all the money and crystals, making a city in a bandit territory… Also best to have more interactions with other in depth characters (the greatest flaw in your story) – comedic, romantic, hatred anything is good as long.. this will also help to flow it better. 

Just throwing some ideas out there for you which woudl hopefully help…. 

 

Keep going looking forward to how to develop the story though… I think it has potential if you do it right. 

irondruid7
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This is definitely worth a read. The latest chapters are really starting to get interesting. I hope to see a bunch more chapters Rulpra.
MyopicInhibition
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Edenawe = Every Damn Entry Needs Attention, Weak Editing. ( <- So proud of this. :3 )

Despite the title of this review and the fuss I will make later about the grammar, it is actually a brilliant read. Get past the first few (hundred) mistakes and the author begins to pay attention to the audiences advice. Which is namely that the RED LINE under a word in "Microsoft word" means that it is spelled incorrectly and that the blue line is a problem grammatically. 

Anyway, enough of me sounding like a gimp and onto my review. (A: note: I am in no way a confident or accomplished writer so any critique I choose to be passed on, can be taken as either a way to improve or some nonsense made up by a brat trying to sound self important. Your choice). 

Firstly we come to your style, and author, may I say you made a great start to the story. I love how the old magician told the main character all the information right at the beginning.  That was a fantastic idea that immediately submerged me into the story like a rock into a coral reef. Even if I was getting slapped out of it by numerous fish that were your grammatical errors. However there was one little problem and like most authors, including myself on this site it was the dialogue. Even in the first chapter alone I encountered several instances in the magicians monologue alone that made me cringe. Basically please when you write your next chapter, read through your dialogue aloud while skipping the characters thoughts and other actions and really think if any person would actually say it. Anyway, I gave you a five here because this is what carried me through to your better chapters.

STORY: I always give a five for story as it is entirely up to the readers personal preference. However I love new life stories and I hope you continue because I will be following your progress. 

AND THEN WE COME TO THE BLOODY GRAMMAR. In fact your grammar was more "bloody" than a Michael Bay film is "explosive". Now I know how annoying it is to go back through chapters you have already posted. However, you will have so many more people progress to the second chapter if you just read through it once. Or at least get someone else to go through and document where you went wrong. Because this story could easily get into the top few places if you actually listened to the reviews that say you need to edit it.. 

Character. Not much to say here. I liked the main character and I felt he always had a good directive while still keeping in touch with himself. 

Sigh....... I don't know what to say here really. Please edit?  I guess that's it, otherwise its a great story. Thanks for sharing.

NorseWind
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keep up the good work and release faster and longer please it is entertaining
Apfelkuchen
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On the good side, he has some good ideas and jokes, which made me interested in the beginning.

Main reason for the bad raiting: This story is just a sequence of short main clauses, sorry but it’s one of the worst writing styles I’ve read so far on RR. Here is an example of a random paragraph of v1ch9:

“Paul […]. From all those books Paul […]. He learned […]. There were […]. He also learned […]. He learned that […]. The advents[…]. There are […]. He […].”

Normally you can find more paragraphs like the following: “Then he did this, then he did that, after that he did this again.” Just one action after another, that’s also how the whole story feels like. Random ideas of the author, without him trying to put it together into a bigger picture.

There is lots creativity included, but without the capabillity to make it into literature.  But this is a skill you can learn with hard work. A long way to go!!

legend143
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Pretty nice story. Some words are misspelled but it is still very readable. Awesome job! :D
Foolstool
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Great story the plot potential seems interesting and the development of the main character is very entertaining.
EagerestSpark63
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It's like a glazed doughnut. The first chapter is that first, delicious bite, and it keeps you wanting more and more until you finish it and you're left longing for more.
Legion6x9
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Very good story with some awesome world building, so things still need to be addressed(What all the other people from the other world are doing) but overall it's very good.
jackaLz
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Read it, then be fascinated by it.