(Suspended) The Helix; The Arc,

by NeoPhantom

Original Action Adventure Fantasy Sci-fi Virtual Reality
The Helix. Also known as the Spiral or the Vortex. A Phenomenon that is common in the universe in all sorts of locations and terminology, such as DNA.

Just what secrets does the game that bears such a name hold?

And just what it will mean for the rest of the world?
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  • Pages :
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NeoPhantom

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Plot: A fantasy story that tells the adventure of a young disabled child playing the game called ‘The Helix’. 

Style: Uses long explanations. The story started slow with a really long introduction.

Tip: You should consider compressing your paragraphs and increasing their quality.  For example in Chapter 1-A, you wrote:

“A bright light shone over from everywhere in the room. It was so bright Savi was forced to shut his eyes closed. Then just as suddenly as the light had come, it disappeared. He opened his eyes a bit and looked around.” – 42 words.

This can be changed to:

“A bright light shone over the room forcing Savi to close his eyes. As fast as it arrives, so does when it disappeared. Savi then opened his eyes and survey his surroundings.” – 32 words.

Try to use the word ‘was’ less, and find a way explaining things without it; experiment. :)

 

Continuing: Some words are also used inappropriately without regards of their meaning. For example ‘jump’. It means ‘to push oneself into the air using the muscles in one’s legs and feet.’ But this can’t be right for your character. If he is strong enough to jump, then he is strong enough to walk around.

Character: I am going to leave this on three until we get to know more about the character(s).

 

I will be looking forward for your future releases and changes. Oh and welcome to Royal Roadl. :)

Harlequin
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I know I’m only writing this only 3 chapters in. But I felt I should tell everyone what I think so far. Im hooked, the main character is intelligent,  and the game world is noticably well thought out even in the beginning chapters. I’d recommend this to people to check it out.
PRESSit
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I’m writing this review 9 chapters in. MC has interesting quirks and traits, but it remains to be seen if the world-building ends up overcomplicating the story too early on.

Eyd
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First of all, this story is not about a MC who got OP by luck or directly at the start of the story.

I love this kind of story, the MC keep evolving and he is far from being the best in his world, virtual world. I love your style, and the world you build, the system of skill is really interesting. Hope you continue your story for a while, and thanks for sharing this with us.

One of my favorite, keep up the good work !

dragonmage
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I think this is a great story. The world is well thought out and so far the MC does not seem to OP. While grammar is not used properly in some places overall it is ok. I will be looking forward to the next releases of the chapters.
Valerie
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Love The World Building

I enjoy the background details, and the way the MC interacts with the world. Also, I like the way the side characters all have unique personalities.
iTee
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very funny conversation

and super detail of ... everything.   i am your fan now. :)