Homemade Immortal [EDITING]

by Vocaloid

Original Adventure Comedy Fantasy Anti-Hero Lead Grimdark Magic Male Lead Non-Human lead Secret Identity Strong Lead
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Sexual Content
  • Traumatising content

Aliquid is a talented young mage without a purpose. One day he decides to do something no other man has done, gain immortality. He tries to achieve his dreams and make his father proud. Committing monstrosities in the process, he eventually succeeds. This story isn't about him. It's about the immortal he created.

12/10/16- Using ctrl+f : to find and fix dialogue tags on chapter one. After that, I'll fix the beginning up a bit so I can post the second draft of the prologue without causing transition issues. It's boring and I keep getting sidetracked by fixing other issues like awkward wording. Oh well, the more issues I fix now, the less I have to deal with later.

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Total Views :
  • 41,154
  • Average Views :
  • 5,144
  • Followers :
  • 228
  • Favorites :
  • 51
  • Ratings :
  • 26
  • Pages :
  • 176
Advertisement
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Report
Advertisement
Author
Vocaloid

Vocaloid

The Failure

Achievements
Advertisement
Reviews

Leave a review

RegalMania
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Where's the next chapter?

Lets talk about  your Great Story.

 

-Lighthearted Story line

 

Honestly, I don’t know if this was intentional. But really you pulled it of well at least as of now.  Unlike other stories this one doesn’t actually  need to follow some predetermined path. It doesn’t even  need a reason. It just is.

This story has the potential to become something readers relax with and use  to get through their day. Please  don’t ruin the atmosphere of the story .Keep it lighthearted with spots of   action  every once  and a while.

 

- Style

I like the way you write. I guess that is just my personal opinion. Still it goes a long way. Conversations    are a hard craft to master but you are on your way to becoming a playwright if you so wish. 

 

Now about the things that I didn’t like. Take these with a grain of salt. My opinion as a reader thinks this could become better and I hope my voice helps.

 

-Characterization

 

I think this is the one place you are losing face. Your main character has no reason for existing. He neither questions his existence nor tries to gain a reason for existing. It was more like he is a robot acting as  a man. This could be what your going for A Frankenstein’s monster type thing but for now it seems   hollow. I don’t doubt that you wont continue and make Vigil start to feel alive.  If you can give such  brilliant life to the dwarves, I dont doubt you can do it for your main character.Then I can see this story improving. 

         

-Prologue

 

The prologue is a little iffy. Not in a good way not in a bad way. Just iffy. I can’t help but feel it is far to rushed. I for some reason started to like The crazy mad scientist but alas I never got to know him. I didn’t even get to know his father. Or their kingdom.I didn’t even know much about it as of the first chapter seriously I didn’t even know to the greater extent the duties of the court magician. Sounds interesting  but still it was just blubber that needed to be left out.

 

-Pacing

 

I don’t have much to say about this but I think its what it is. You can’t change this without changing the story itself. But still I would be interested to hear about small discoveries the main makes along the way Perhaps could say the sides stories fill that void but i can’t say.

 

Conclusion

 

I generally found your story t be refreshing and a wonderful read. Now please be kind and get that next chapter out okay? I really like where this is going.  ;) 

SimplyAShadow
  • Overall Score

This is only the first chapter, but the story is thought out and new, it has incredibly high potential to develop into a really good ff, and I'd recommend it to just about anyone.

DarkD
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Interesting, a little sloppy, lazy, and underdeveloped, but otherwise good fiction.

An interesting read for sure.  My problems stem from his short sighted style choices which have hampered his character development.  

 

Style: The author uses a lot of weird style choices which limit his ability to connect with the reader and are often confusing as well.  

 

Dialogue has the name of the speaker marked on every line, and is bolded.  Thoughts are the same but without bold.  I asked him about this on chat and he says he does it because he had trouble keeping it organized the other way.  The problem with this style is that he cant express a characters body language or if he can he isn't.  Body language in dialogues is a way of clarifying a situation and also provides a very elegant way for an author to avoid putting he said/she said everywhere.  What Vocaloid has works, but it's messy.  

 

It's also a fragrant violator of the "Show Don't Tell" rule.  Once again, it doesn't necesarilly ruin the fiction, but it reduces the level of immersion that the reader feels.  This seems most prevalent in the early chapters, as the later ones seem to be fine.  I'm guessing it's something the rewrite that I heard about will fix.  The example being the first page of the prologue, a giant info dump.  Authors are supposed to use dialogue, internal monologues, and descriptions to avoid exposition where ever possible.  Exposition itself is supposed to be used to skip over boring parts of a story.  

 

Story: My problem here is that the author has skipped over a lot of interesting details in the prologue to bring the story to Vigil.  Both the stories, after and before the creation of the immortal seems equally interesting.  In fact, I think I was more interested in the story before; Aliquid seemed like a really interesting character, and his journey looked like it would have been really good if it wasn't so glossed over.  

 

The author actually reused the same storyline three times in a row.  Whenever Vigil goes into a town, he bumps into someone who just so happens to be the mayor, prince, or someone else of importance.  Then follows the benefits of such a meeting where he gets some sort of a massive favor for his efforts.  

 

Grammar: minor problems here.  The author doesn't use advanced grammar marks.  The example being the em dash.  While a lot of people don't even know what it is, in writing it's incredibly useful and once you know what it is, you'll start seeing it EVERYWHERE.  

 

Character: When Vigil comes about, he's like a clean slate.  He has no personality at all, but it IS intentional.  I've asked the author.  However, it isn't a good intentional.  The character that comes about is OP but he just doesn't connect with the reader at all.  I would suggest that the author tries a few things.  

1) Go overboard on the descriptions and dialogues.  You need to establish him as being human.  Somehow. 

2) Try skipping the first few years of his life.  Give him a starting point that might interest the reader more.  

3) When you first bring Vigil into the world, a huge plot hole is that he can read the language even though he's portrayed as a clean slate with no knowledge.  I would make it so that Aliquid maybe left him a talking undead or maybe a chained slave to teach him before he goes out into the world.  

 

I found that your characters in general were only mildly developed.  I don't feel strongly about any of them when I think over the characters.  Each one of them feels a little hollow, like I don't know what makes them tick yet.  Nanos is actually the character I think you're the closest to achieving anything with because of what we learned about his daughter.  I know what makes him tick because of that scene and that knowledge.  Nanos is your most developed character.  I recommend that you approach character development in a way that tries to define that for everyone.  For Vigil's old war buddies, maybe that one guy has a good reason for wanting to stay in the military.  

dwoolfy
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Rather amazing, with a good sence of humar

Normally I would have rated this story lower, but there is a great deal of humor added in.  The story itself is somewhat rushed but the concepts are good, and the humor makes up for a lot of the issues in the story.

The characters are interesting, each one somewhat different.  The MC's are different to the point where they seem unique.

Style wise this really should be 6/5.  The concept was fun and though you end up with an OP MC as the result, it does not seem like you are jumping right into OP'ness.  The humor ties things together and makes this story rather unique as well.

BlackRabbit
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

'Tis Good Messir, Thou should giveth it a try

mmmm

 

Grammar is perfect as far as I can see. The story progresses quite fast paced but that's justified by him being an immortal without personal contacts or specific goals so it doesn't matter anyways. The descriptions are brief, but sufficient in describing but almost as if the description themselves are constrained coupled with the short sentences and makes the flow of the story to be a bit too stiff. You clearly show with the mannerisms of the characters, marking them as individuals somewhat. But the emotions themselves from the characters aren't felt clearly. So far there's hardly any character development. By development I don't mean them getting new powers I mean emotionally, psychologically changing from their environment, such as their lifestyle or the setting or the people around them. The content and plot itself is incredibly interesting.

Aonte
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

It's good, good sense for the dialogues.

The story and the syle are good.

But it’s a bit rushed and the MC is lacking. I mean, he was furious because his friends were killed but I couldn’t feel the emotions in it.

The racism is a good element that gives realism in your story.

 

“We are all racists by nature and equal before God’s eyes”

-The drunk Aonte in a party without a dance partner.

stabertiger
  • Overall Score

 very interesting story.

read it