A note from HR-Kain

Two week long flus suck, man. Though I think it's mostly gone now other than the occasional coughing fit that attacks right in the middle of me teaching my students...thanks for that, Troll Immune System.

But in other news, I have the latest chapter ready for you guys! This chapter was a roller coaster to write, lol. Much like The Tastiest Snack in regards to the fluctuations in tone. But! It's the first chapter to give us a taste of what's in store for the rest of the story. Again, for everyone who's been sticking around, thank you so very much! You guys are truly amazing. Very Happy


Every legend has to begin somewhere. Some begin with a prophecy. Others begin with a tragedy. Hell, you even have those average Joe Schmoes who ain't anything special, but somehow get tossed into some kinda game-changing quest. Me? No prophets ever saw me coming. The only tragedies in my life are the ones I willingly inflict onto others. And there ain't anything average about me.

This legend didn't begin with an accident.

It began with sixteen stomps to the throat.

To think that just a week and a half ago, I was escaping Brooklyn, New York. I alternated between driving in random directions for hours and staying in cheap hotels. Once my time in a particular state was up, I hightailed it outta there. I busted through quite a few machines and people to get this far. Call me either a daring iconoclast or simply a reckless asshole—both descriptions are fairly accurate, in all honesty.

I let my insanity guide me.

Now here I was, all the way in goddamn Virginia.

I was nearly four hundred miles away from home.

And yet, the longest ride I had to endure during this entire time on the run was the five minute drive to the Norfolk cruise terminal with Heidi.

For starters, it took us a while to actually get into the car and go. While I had expected her to pop off at me once she realized that the Trans-Am was no more, I was surprised to see that that wasn't gonna be her reaction at all. Instead, it was something much more annoying and headache inducing. That reaction, ladies and gentlemen, was an interrogation.

“Genghis, where's Packie's car?” I scratched the back of my head, pretending to put serious thought into her question. “Hmm, good question.” I continued making exaggerated “um”s and “hm”s for a solid minute before ultimately shrugging. “Probably somewhere in New Jersey?”

Her nostrils flared, eyes lowering. “And why is it in New Jersey?” I tried my best to give her a confident grin, hoping to possibly charm my way out of this conversation. Normally, I could do this without any problem. If there's one thing women love more than anything, it's confidence. Sure, they like you to be nice and all...but that can only get you so far. If you're giving your woman flowers and then immediately following it up by spending the next two hours talking about how much of a loser you are, she'll gradually go from trying to lift you up to just letting you fall down. She'll be so used to hearing you put yourself down that she'll eventually grow to agree with your half-brained opinions. You'll end up one day killing 'er because she ain't turned on by your pathetic ass anymore.

You know, like Dave.

I ain't no fucking Dave.

I'm a confident guy—a real trooper.

But see, when you're too distracted by the blaring light shining through your girl's stomach, it's kinda hard to be too confident.

“'Cuz the transmission went out in it? I needed to keep goin' somehow, you know.” She folded her arms. “Genghis Dillinger Boy.” I folded my arms back at her, mimicking her strict tone jokingly. “Heidi Leanne Boy.” Unfortunately, she wasn't amused and proceeded to tap her foot against the ground impatiently. I maintained my grin, despite how badly she was busting my balls at that moment in time. This essentially turned into an impromptu staring contest. Started off a little strong, but then I kept losing myself in the belly-bulb. Things got even harder when my mind began to wander.

Was this the power Zombie Bastard gave me?

Seeing completely random lights inside of people?

Or was it just inside Heidi?

Then why couldn't she see it?

Was it just a light, or was it also the…


All in all, I'd say I lasted about three minutes against her.

“I wanted to cover my tracks, alright?” I said with a heavy sigh. She cocked an eyebrow and nodded slowly, no doubt pleased with her victory. She was lucky that she had some weird supernatural shit happening with her body; otherwise I wouldn't of ever surrendered to her in this discussion. “And so you stole this Chevelle...when? In Jersey?”

I gritted my teeth, not pleased with this defeat in the very slightest. “No. That came from D.C.” She tilted her head. “So you stole a car in Jersey...and then another one in D.C.?” Alright Genghis, time to put some actual effort into shutting her up so you can go to your new home. She didn't need to know just how many cars you'd been through to get here. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to ignore her stomach for a minute. “One was to cover my tracks. The other one legitimately broke down on me. I wouldn't of been able to make it here today if I hadn't stolen this car, Heidi.”

She stared at me for a good while, probably studying my face to see if I was lying. Luckily for me, I had learned the secret to being an efficient bullshitter years ago. It was quite simple, really; to be a good liar, you gotta know how to spot a bad liar. Pay attention to his body language as well as the manner in which he's speaking. Is he acting nervous? Is he talking nervous? Watch his eyes—are they wondering off to the side? Which way are they going? Left indicates they're in thought, trying to remember details of an event. Right, on the other hand, says they're in the middle of fabricating a tall-tale. Once you got all this down, you'll be able to learn from his mistakes and not make them yourself.

Yeah, yeah; I know what you're thinking.

You know she just caught you in a lie, right? You ain't shit, Genghis.”

Again, you try being a good liar when your lady's belly is a fucking light-bulb.

I'm trying, alright?

Which is why I made damn sure my eyes never left hers.

Face like stone.

No more smarmy smiles.

No movement other than occasionally blinking.

She sighed after a minute of watching me.

I guess I'd rather have you here in a stolen car than not have you here at all.”

Suck on that, motherfuckers!

Satisfied with my success, I relaxed my face and opened the driver's side door to the Chevelle. I climbed in and unlocked the passenger side door for Heidi. After that, I quickly tossed my backpack as well as her first bag into the backseat and exited the car. Just as I noticed Heidi making her way to the door, I jogged over and opened the door for her. She stopped in her tracks and gave me a look; one that said, “What're you doin', jackass?

“Lemme help you with that,” I said, nodding at the second bag in her grip. She stared at me for a moment, not saying anything. Her expression remained the same, watching me like I was some kinda cheap birthday clown giving a poor performance at her party. But then she did something that I missed much more than I realized.

Her big hazel eyes lit up and she gave me her signature schoolgirl giggle.

I couldn't help but produce a big, stupid smile at that. If I can be cheesy for just one second, I gotta confess that her giggle has a similar effect on me that drugs have. I feel happy, powerful, and in check. Lord knows I'd open every single door in her way if it meant she'd giggle for me again. So I guess Genghis Two was right after all; it wouldn't of been possible for me to leave without Heidi. However, I do not consider this me being wrong. I mean, the handsome bastard is still me, after all. This is more like a reassessment of my priorities, really.

“You can try to woo me all you want, Genghis Boy. But you're still a thief, amongst other things.” I waggled my eyebrows at her in an overly cartoony fashion all while sporting a grin that just screamed “sleazeball”. “This thief must've stolen your heart, too. Considerin' you came all this way just to get it back.” She laughed a little harder, shaking her head. “You're so...bad!” I winked at her. “Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' a little bad every now and then, baby.”

She smiled big at me. “It's nice to see that you're still you, even though...” Heidi's voice trailed off, eyes looking down at the ground. Her smile faded away after a couple of seconds. You know, about as long as it takes to remind yourself that you're getting in the car with a wanted fugitive. Taking the hint, I held my hand out. “Gimme your bag. We can tawlk in the car.”

She nodded silently, handing me her luggage.

I gave her a reassuring grin before stowing her bag away.

We got into the car and we were off to see the Atlantic Ocean.

Before we got too far from the bus station, I slowed down to a crawl and had Heidi roll the window down to ask some pedestrians what the fastest route to see the ocean was. They said we had two options: either go north for about twenty minutes to see the beach, or go south for roughly four to five minutes to see the cruise terminal. Obviously, I settled on the cruise terminal; I'd rather sail to Casa do Diaño than swim there. You understand.

Once she thanked the people and rolled her window back up, the rest of the drive was filled with enough tension that you could cut it with a knife. She clearly wasn't proud of all the things I'd done; this much I knew for certain. But yet she still adamantly wanted to come see me—shit, she wanted to come with me! This already told me one thing; her and Paul were more than likely not seeing each other anymore. And out of all the possible reasons this could be the case, I could only think of two that made any sense...maybe three if you believe in fairy tale romances. I don't, so I suspected only the first two possibilities were probably true. However, I'd rather know than assume.

“So...” I started, eyes alternating between watching her and watching the road, “Paul know you're here with me?” She sighed, now looking at the road outside her window. “He probably suspects it. But it don't matter if he knows anymore.” I cocked an eyebrow, leaning back into my seat. “You finally dump his ass?” She was silent for a minute or two. She didn't look at me, but I could tell by her reflection in the window that she was deep in thought.

Paul dumped me,” she muttered with a pinch of melancholy.


That was the moment, ladies and gentlemen, when two possibilities became one definite.

It became clear that Zombie Bastard had no part in convincing Heidi to come with me to Casa do Diaño.

Hell, she probably didn't even know the place existed.

To Heidi, it didn't matter where she ended up.

She packed her bags and ran out of desperation.

I nodded slowly, trying to think of the best way to address the big elephant in the room. I couldn't just come out and say it for her because she'd then accuse me of planning this all along. Trust me, this shit wasn't planned—not by a long fucking shot. I only kept quiet because I didn't want to worry her. I see now that I was stupid to stay silent.

Sue me for being human.

Around that time, I saw the sign for the cruise terminal. However, our conversation was far from over. With flashbacks from the night of December 2nd playing vividly in my head, I continued to lead her into her long-awaited confession. “Did he find out about us? That why he left?” I asked as I flipped my turn signal on. She looked over at me and sighed again. “Yeah.”

I swallowed.

Time for the bombshell, you guys.

“How'd he find out?” She took a deep breath, waiting for me to park the car before saying anything else. Good call; had I not already known what the news was, I'd probably freak out and nearly get us killed. I turned the car off and looked at her, waiting for her answer. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was more worried telling me this news than she was saddened by it.

She probably thought I'd take it badly.

That I'd fly off the handle.


I wouldn't do that.

Not with Heidi.

She sighed one more time.

I'm pregnant, Genghis.”

I continued to blankly stare at her. Even though I mentally prepared myself for this, I still had a hard time processing the news. I mean, what man wouldn't? “And...Paul doan think it's his?” Why did I ask that? I knew better than to ask that question. Paul ain't the one that had a condom rip on him in a Walmart parking lot.

“He knows it ain't his,” she said. I cocked my eyebrow again. So I was right? Heidi and Paul never fucked during the entirety of their five-year old relationship? It certainly explained why she was always willing to have a go with me whenever she got home. I know it's pretty hard for women to resist my dashing good looks and charming personality as well as my bad-boy reputation...but I imagine it's even harder when their own man ain't willing to turn them over and make 'em scream his name into a pillow. Her bold statement surely confirmed suspicions that I'd had for years now, right?


“Paul's gotta rare disawder, Genghis. It's called “Klinefelter Syndrome”.” I squinted at her. “Kline—what?” She sighed, looking into her lap. “It's somethin' he was born with. You know how girls are born with two “X” chromosomes? And how boys are born with one “X” and one “Y”?” I nodded slowly, trying to follow along the best I could. “Paul was born with two “X” chromosomes and one “Y” chromosome.”

The confusion initially written in my face was now being re-written in bold lettering.

“So...Paul's basically a chick with a dick?” Heidi looked at me again, grilling me slightly. “No, you idiot. It means that he's got very low testosterone in his system. And his sperm is one hundred percent sterile.” I tilted my head, still trying to bring myself to reality on the situation. I was tempted to ask Heidi if it was possible that Paul was lying through his teeth in order to get outta being a parent. After all, it seemed odd that he didn't tell her something like this sooner. But then I reminded myself that this sorry, lovesick sap had proposed to her dozens of times throughout their relationship. Paul had always been serious about Heidi; he wouldn't of just bailed on her like that if his sexual health wasn't an issue.

So I had to accept the undeniable.

Heidi was knocked-up.

Me and Paul were the only guys she ever slept with.

Paul was shooting blanks this whole time.

Evidently, I wasn't.

Genghis, you understand what I'm sayin'?”

Yeah, Heidi; I sure did.

You're gonna be a daddy.”

Yeah...I sure was.

Genghis, say somethin'.”

I'm gonna be a dad.


I'm gonna be a dad...gonna be a dad…



I snapped outta my daze and looked at her. “I'm gonna be a dad,” I said, still half-stunned. She nodded, face softening a little. “Yeah, you big dummy—you are.” My eyes glued themselves onto her presently flat belly. It was difficult to swallow the thought that in just a couple of weeks, that same belly was gonna puff out like a goddamn balloon. It was even harder to swallow the thought that in nine months, there was gonna be a Mini Genghis being brought into the world. One me was already too much to handle for most people; can you imagine two mes running around? Complete mayhem!

But then, whilst letting this news properly sink in, I noticed the belly-bulb was shining a little brighter than it had at the bus station. That's when I remembered where I had just driven us to and why we were there. My apologies for being a little on the slow side today. I just learned I was gonna be a motherfucking father, after all. Surely you can understand the influx of thoughts going through my noggin, right?

That's when excitement hit me like a train.

What occurred next almost happened too quickly for me to process it properly.

Try to keep up if you can, folks.


I pulled Heidi close and kissed her right on the mouth. “Casa do Diaño, Heidi! Wecanraiseimfawhwayfromhere,” I said a little too rapidly after pulling away from her. She gave me a puzzled look. “Casa—” I didn't give her time to speak as I was already getting out of the Chevelle. “Genghis, wait!” I ignored her, reaching into the car to grab our bags and toss them outside. “Genghis, what're you doin'?”

She got out of the car just as I was sliding my arms through the straps of my backpack. “Grababagokay?” She held her arms out. “What?!” I growled at her and pointed at the lone bag still sitting on the ground, growing more impatient by the second. “Jusgrabafuckinbag!” She groaned loudly and did as she was told.

I grabbed her hand and bolted towards the terminal building. Her protests went in one ear and through the other. For once, I was glad that I lost the ability to enunciate my words. I had not the time nor the mentality to properly explain this all to Heidi. Besides, why should I explain things when the environment did it for me?

Yeah, you heard that right.

Like a finger snap, a lightning storm began just over the terminal.

No rain; just lightning.

And a fuck ton of it, too.

Just as we got within six feet of the entrance, a bolt popped the ground right in front of me. Heidi and I both screamed loudly, nearly shitting ourselves. Clearly it didn't want us going inside the terminal. So I guided Heidi towards the outdoor docks. “Lesgo!” Once we were halfway there, I looked down and noticed a giant crack following us. I looked back for a second to see that it had began where that lightning bolt had struck.

It’s all for you, meus fillos.”

“Is it just me, or did somebody just tawlk to us?!” Despite being surrounded by chaos, I nearly screamed in joy. Finally somebody besides me heard Zombie Bastard's grating voice! I ain't as crazy as I thought!

They gave their lives for my vision.”

We stopped running once the crack shot past us. Heidi clung on tightly to my arm as we watched the crack begin to spread apart, opening like a mouth. “What's happening, Genghis? What is this?!Honey, I don't fucking know. I knew coming here was gonna get us to Casa do Diaño, but I didn't really think of how it would happen. I just assumed we'd go inside, buy tickets, and then enjoy a week long cruise that would eventually lead us to our new home. Perhaps one or two fucked up things would happen, like maybe your belly light stabbing me in the gut and turning me into a goddamn shark or something. I didn't expect the motherfucking rapture, alright?

Things will be the way they should be.”

Once the ground opened wide enough, a fog of shrieking white launched out onto the water. It was so loud that me and Heidi both dropped the bags we were carrying to cover our ears. What was this? Souls from Hell coming to help guide us to Casa do Diaño? Huh, who knew corrupt souls were so helpful? They've helped me more than heavenly angels have, that's for damned sure.

As more and more fog hit the ocean, something began to slowly materialize on the water. It was forming some kind of large infrastructure—most likely a ship, judging by the shape of the skeleton. Heidi leaned closer, face looking like she just saw a dinosaur tear down a skyscraper. Not that I could blame her; my face probably looked about the same at that moment.

Soon the ship's bow became more pronounced as the hull finished its construction. Splashes of purple, green, white, and gray painted the exterior. It wasn't until it was colored in that I realized the bow had a giant snake wrapped around it. I assumed it was fake, but then it started moving around. Even from the somewhat far distance, I could've sworn I heard it hissing. “Jesus H. Christ,” I somehow managed to mutter aloud.

The final touch was the name appearing on the side.

Princess Moura.

Interesting name for a boat.

Soon the ship was complete, in all her unique...beautiful glory.

Boa sorte, meus fillos.”

I looked at Heidi and nodded towards the Princess Moura. Honestly, I'm sure she wanted desperately to argue with me over boarding the ship. She wanted to yell at me and tell me how I was a moron for wanting to get on a boat that clearly had some kinda demonic influence behind it. However, words failed to come outta her throat. She was far too shocked to question my logic and, as a result, she simply submitted to my request and took my hand.

We lifted the luggage and walked together toward the docks. A ramp had opened by the time we got there. We looked at each other, hand in hand. We didn't say a word, preferring to let our eyes do the talking for us.

She was uncertain.

I reassured her.

She was nervous.

I winked at her.

She smiled, finally nodding.


Side by side, we boarded the Princess Moura. The moment we made it onto the deck, the ramp closed up. Hrrrrn!” echoed the ship's horn. Moura spared no time in getting ready to hit the waters. She began to turn away from the docks. Jerking us around a bit, I dragged Heidi away from the edge of the ship. Didn't want to risk us falling overboard, you know?

Before we knew it, Moura was setting sail at a breakneck speed. That ain't a joke, you guys. It felt like we were riding the world's largest race car. “Fuck this!” I shouted, taking Heidi and our luggage into one of the cabins in the middle of the deck. Once we were in, we tossed our bags—as well as my backpack—against the wall and watched the scene from the little window on the door.

The sky shone dark blue, despite it still being around noon. Zeus's hand-bullets struck the sea by the hundred. Eventually, the lightning damaged the ocean so much that it began to turn purple. I didn't think it was possible for water to get bruised. Honestly, I still had my doubts.

Before we could truly process what was going on outside, Moura sped up some more. This time, the force slammed us against the wall on the other end of the guest room. I'm fairly certain normal ships—regardless if they're passenger, transport, or military—ain't supposed to be able sail at the speed of fucking light. Heidi let out a piercing scream that successfully managed to hurt my eardrums. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. The light inside her stomach was burning so brightly that I could feel the heat radiating into my own stomach. And with as tightly as I was holding her, you better bet your ass that it hurt like a fucking bitch.

So much, in fact, that I actually began to feel mad sick. “Heidi, doan—” Before I could say anything, I was turning my head away from her and violently gagging. Something came out, but it wasn't vomit. And no, it thankfully wasn't blood either...though it was the same color.

That's right, a dark red ray of light came shooting out of my mouth. It hit the floor and spread to the wall, getting up our height. Judging by the look in her eyes, Heidi saw it too. “De'uck?!” I yelped while my mouth was stuck open. Before too long, a figure emerged in the red-light picture show. He was transparent in the red, so I couldn't make out much of his appearance other than him being a rather muscular guy, strong jawline, short crew cut, and probably around my height.

He was looking right at us; right at me. “Find me,” he whispered with the hint of an accent—possibly Irish. I tried my best to cock an eyebrow despite my eyes nearly popping outta my head in shock. Who even was this guy? Where was I supposed to find him?

Next thing I knew, the bastard was lunging through the wall, still transparent in red.

Heidi screamed again as he wrapped his hand around my arm.

He pressed his thumb into my bicep.

Now I was screaming.



Goddamn thumb felt like a fucking branding iron against my flesh!

Like some farmer was burning his initials into one of his prized bulls.

I tried to headbutt the motherfucker away from me, but he evaporated into the air the second my forehead met his. Fucking cheap cocksucker—at least I could close my mouth again. Right on cue with all of the other unfortunate mishaps that had occurred that afternoon, Moura decided to drastically slow down once Reddy-McFleshFire was gone...which resulted in me and Heidi being flung against the door of the cabin. I winced in pain at the door knob jabbing me in the lower back. First a slap to the face from Heidi, then a near encounter with a lightning bolt, then being thrown all over the place by a psychotically fast sea-taxi, then Heidi repeatedly hurting my ears with her loud screaming, then vomiting red lights, then having some bastard's thumb burn into my arm, and then a goddamn doorknob bashing against me—what was next? Heidi just randomly kneeing me in the testicles for no particular reason?

Nope, just her screaming in my ear again.


I grunted in response, still reeling mostly from the burn in my arm. Don't you be laughing—imagine somebody smoking an enchanted cigar that never runs out or burns out. Now imagine this person attempting to put the cigar out in your arm. The fire ain't ever gonna die and neither is the cigar, so it's just a matter of how long they wanna hear you scream before they pull it away.

That sound like fun, folks?


Then shut up and continue reading.

She nodded towards the door window right beside my head. “Look!” she whimpered. Considering that lightning and purple water was the last thing I saw outdoors, I just knew that what was out there now was gonna make me feel like I was tripping on acid. But alas, I was curious. Against my better judgment, I turned to look at what had her spooked now.

Holy Toledo.

I couldn't tell if I was glad I looked, or if I hated myself for it.

Atop the fuchsia waters, the Princess Moura now sailed calmly during our wayward journey to Casa do Diaño. However, it appeared our princess was moving a little too easily under the burnt orange sky. What do I mean? I mean we had fucking guests aboard now. What appeared to be a squadron green, humanoid creatures took turns leaping aboard the ship to caress the giant snake that had originally been at the ship's bow. Judging by the scales all over their naked bodies as well as the rather large lines that looked very much like gills on their necks, I'd put money on these guys being male mermaids. Ain't they called “mermen” or something like that?

However, it was looking like the snake wanted nothing to do with these freaks. It made a noise that sounded much more like a beastly shriek than it did a reptilian growl. The mermen took the hint and all began to retreat for the water again. However, the snake was livid and began thrashing at them. Heidi screamed again when the snake got one of them and spat his indigo blood onto our door.

Welp, that was a safe indicator that we weren't getting outta our cabin until we reached our destination.

At least the cabin had a bathroom and a stove.

Maybe me and Heidi could learn to make Roasted Merman?

They live in the ocean, after all.

I ain't gotta a problem with seafood!

“Let's...get away from the door,” I whispered slowly. Heidi nodded in agreement and escaped my grasp. I walked a little ways past her and bent down to grab my backpack. But, of course, the snake crashed hard against our cabin and caused me to drop the bag and tumble onto the queen-sized bed. However one good thing came from this event; Heidi was also tossed onto the bed...and right on top of me.

I, at first, grinned wide at the beautiful woman hovering over me. However, I then reminded my stupid ass that there's a baby inside of her. Granted, it wasn't much of a baby yet...but still; thought that counts. “You alright?!” I asked frantically, reaching down to rub her belly. Still flat, not bleeding...but the light seemed to have finally vanished. Hallelujah. Heidi looked down at me uneasily. “I'm good, Genghis. Nothin' hurts.” I sighed with relief, dropping my hands. It was undoubtedly gonna take a while for this whole “daddy-to-be” thing to really sink in.

“How's your arm?” she asked, nodding at the burn on my muscle. Aching; like somebody had dunked a dagger in molten lava and then stabbed me with it. But I wasn't gonna tell her that. “I'm alright. Doan you wawrry 'bout me, okay?” She squinted at me. “I can't not wawrry 'bout you, Genghis.” I smiled up at her. “You and me got somebody more important to wawrry 'bout now, you know.” She smiled weakly back at me. “Yeah, we do.” She was scared—I could tell. Can't say I blame her after the shit we'd seen that afternoon.

I reached up and ran my fingers through her hair. “I'm a real bastard, Heidi. There ain't no denyin' that. I've lied, cheated, stole, and killed. Hell, I'd probably spontaneously combust if I step foot into Brooklyn ever again.” I took a deep breath before saying the next part. “But I ain't ever lied about how I feel about you. I dunno quite where we'll end up after we get off this Hell-ship, but I promise to protect you with my life. If you'll have me, I'll do everythin' I can to provide a promisin' future for our kid.”

That ain't a lie, folks.

I really meant that I'd stop being a worthless bum who ain't good for anything.


Let it be known that this don't exactly mean I'll live a clean, quiet life.

I ain't ever been good at “clean” and “quiet”.

Can you guys seriously see me in a tie, working some desk job?

I'm sorry, but fatherhood ain't enough to turn me on to the mundane nine-to-five.

“You really do need help, Genghis,” Heidi responded bluntly. I sighed, now looking away from her. “I know,” I said quietly. That still wasn't a lie...sorta. Call it a half-truth. I know that I'm a psychopath—it don't take a shrink to tell you that one. However, I remember how I was when I tried medication all those years ago. I was unmotivated, unenthusiastic, uninspired—unsatisfied. I hated the boring drone I had become and I just chose one day to flush the rest of my meds down the toilet. I never ordered anymore refills and never went to see that douche with the clipboard and the springy couch again. As of today, I can say with utmost certainty that I'd rather be a manic-depressive train-wreck than a drooling vegetable.

But...” Heidi continued, gently pushing her fingers against my cheek so I would be facing her again, “if you really think this place we're goin' to will provide you the chance to live a new life...” I nodded eagerly. “I do, Heidi. I know it will.” She rubbed my cheek and leaned down to kiss my lips. “Then I'll stand beside you the whole way.” She grabbed my left hand and placed it over her belly. “We both will. It's kinda too late to turn this ship around, anyway.”

I chuckled, rubbing my palm against her abdomen.

You're right,” I whispered as I pushed her head down to kiss me again.

So it was settled once and for all.

Me, Heidi and our child, alone in a new land.

It was finally time to say good-bye to the world we once knew.

And eagerly greet the new world of Casa do Diaño with open arms.


We traveled the sea for about five days. Remember when I said that we'd be stuck in the cabin during the whole trip? Yeah, I was right. Though we at least found the refrigerator, which had been stockpiled with different ingredients. More importantly, neither of us set the cabin on fire during our cooking attempts. Though, admittedly, I did roast a chicken breast a little too much one day while morning sickness was kicking Heidi's ass in the bathroom.

Despite being guarded by a giant snake that eats sea people, the trip was fairly boring.

But the boring wait was well worth it by the time we finally arrived.

I wanna say it was around three in the afternoon when I heard the Princess Moura's loud “Hrrrrn!for the second time since our journey had began. I wanted to get out on the deck and take a better look at the place Zombie Bastard moans the name of every time he jerks off to his human torture porn. Unfortunately, Heidi was hesitant of either one of us exiting the cabin for fear that the giant guard-snake would eat us up. So I offered her a compromise; I'd stay in the cabin with her until we docked, but I was allowed to poke my head out every once in a while.

She agreed to my terms, but made it clear that it would be my fault if I lost my entire upper body.

Pretty reasonable argument, I suppose.

From the few glances I was able to steal, I already noticed one major difference between the United States and Casa do Diaño. While Norfolk's cruise terminal looked relatively modern and up to date with its own building, Casa do Diaño's terminal was literally just a dock. That was it—no customs booth, no check-in/check-out, no waiting lounge. Just a small, wooden dock that looked more like a spot for fisherman to work than it did a place to let off the passengers of a ship. Then again, me and Heidi appeared to be the only goddamn guests on this fucking ship, so maybe that was a good call after all.

It also appeared to be snowing pretty heavily. And, judging by the amount of land between the dock and what looked like the outskirts of a large city, that meant that we'd have to walk quite a ways in the wretchedly cold weather. And I do mean wretchedly; the cold air stung my face after only a minute or two of looking out. “Heidi, you might wanna dress warm,” I said, closing the door in front of me.


But then a very familiar sound hit my ears and the door went flying open again.

I looked out and saw popping lights going back and forth at one another.


Genghis, what's goin' on?”

I walked outta the cabin and out onto the deck.

Genghis, wait!”

I leaned over the side of the ship and looked closely at the sight we were only mere minutes away from meeting.

About eight snowmobiles were trailing along the path towards the docks.

Four of them were red and white.

Other four were blue and black.

Genghis, come back!”

As we got closer, the gunfire got louder.

It was fast shooting firearms, firing off multiple rounds per second.

After squinting, I could tell it wasn't a rifle of any kind.

Gun was too small.

These were Tommys.

If my old man's gangster movies taught me anything growing up, it was that only the mob used Tommys.

Next thing I knew, one of the goons had big black wings pop outta his back.

You heard that right.

Big black wings.

Like an eagle, he flew up into the sky and tossed his Tommy out into the ocean.

He replaced firepower with electric power.


This sonuvabitch started shooting lightning from his hands.

Genghis, you're lettin' the cold in. Come back!

One by one, this fucker shot down his foes with ease.

Their blood painted the snow.

I heard of yellow snow, but this was the first time I'd seen red snow.

Suddenly, one guy on the ground tossed his own Tommy away and—not fucking kidding here—began breathing fire at the flying gangster.

A bolt of lightning hit him around the time his flames incinerated Mr. Wings.

All of the gangsters were dead.

And the big kicker of this all?

Not one single cop was in sight.

No retard in blue was there to try stopping these guys from duking it out.

Not one.


Mania painted my face.

No cops.

No rules.

Anything goes.

Every legend has to begin somewhere.

Some begin with a prophecy.

Others begin with a tragedy.

Genghis Dillinger Boy's legend began with sixteen stomps to the throat.

The Great Khan's, on the other hand, began when he came home to Casa do Diaño.


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About the author


  • Just Your Everyday Maniac

Bio: Writer, Teacher, Reader, Traveler, Film/Music/Video Game Enthusiast, Professional Cat Petter

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Neivis @Neivis ago

Which is why it is sixteen indeed