Original ONGOING Drama Romance Multiple Lead Characters Slice of Life Strong Lead

 Kaia, Head CEO of an entertainment business, was forced into an arranged marriage. Her fiance turns out to be abusive and nothing but a cheater. After her high school crush saves her life on the streets, he comes up with the Idea of marriage. What would people do if she found out that she married her company rival? Though, even with this trial in the way, they accept their fate they decide and begin their lives as a married couple. Will they survive or will they falter?? Only time will tell...

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Iluvbloodandcookies

Iluvbloodandcookies

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acederequiza
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Now, where do I start?

Let's do it by breaking down the review. It's a long read. Hopefully you don't mind. If it's TLDR; just go to the bottom.

 

Style: 4/5

As I read through from chapter 1 to chapter 5, your style has inproved dramatically. It has a casual style to which I like. Nothing heavy and it's a simple read. However, you can improve on a few things further to make this novel more engaging.

- You tend to overly describe something but neglected to describe something else that was important. For example, you tend to overly described Kaia's dress and Alex's look but did not describe anything else in between. For example, the gala and auction is supposed to be a peak of one's achievement, but nothing was done to describe it. How was the layout, the view, the people, who are they and why are they there. The marriage was rushed and that was the most important scene since that scene made the two MCs come together. When Alex saved Kaia, I felt that it was out of nowhere. It's too simple with 3-4 sentences and then next I knew, the MC popped out the big question. It's supposed to be romantic right? 

- Purple prose are alright if you can balance it out throught out story. Don't choose to explain in detail in one area and neglect the other. Spend some time to describe the scene like what you did with the villa's view. High society people are OCDs and they tend to be perfectionist in everything they do. That include what they wear, the way they eat, talk etc. 

 

Story: 3.5/5

A typical romance story so I should not look into logics of how a romance started. I read lots of romance novel courtesy of my wife's collection and some even started with much more unrealistic introduction. However, there are a few things that you could polish up for the your story to become more gripping. These are some of the ideas that you can use:-

- Arranged marriage? When was the arranged marriage done? When Kaia was in her teens? When she was a toddler? Or younger than that or before she was even born? The setting of the arranged marriage could explained a little further because Kaia's parents seemed to be unaware of Caine's behaviour. Why did the parents want their own daughter to marry an abusive and playboy jerk? And they have Annie too. Why must be Kaia instead of Annie married to Caine? Though arranged marriage culture is not prevalent in most countries, but it still existed and most of the arranged marriage happened before a girl reached 17-18. Kaia is 23 and at her peak of her adulthood. 

- How did Kaia and Alex became a rival? A paragraph or two explaining this would help the readers to find out how much of a rival they are. Rivals are made interesting because one will always try to up each other. Entertainment businesses are brutal and ruthless and if one is another rival to another, what made them happened that way. The No.1 vs. the No. 2. A rival falling in love would always be a great love story. So far, I have yet to read anything more than just people in the same business treating each other with distrust.

- Are you familiar with high society and their conducts? Perhaps you could watch a few movies or read a few book that has high society conducting themselves. For example, how Bruce Wayne conduct himself versus how he become a Batman. Two extremely different personalities. Another one would be Pride and Prejudice. Though the setting was in 1800s, but you can see the class and how people in high society act. So, what are Kaia's and Alex's personalities? I have yet to found one other than Kaia acted like a distressed teenage girl far from her icy cold and ruthless bossy CEO and Alex's acted like he was always at the right place at the right time kind of guy, laidback and friendly. 

 

Grammar: 3/5

Ohh... the bane of every writer including myself. I would not judge one's author work based on the grammar. So, I'll give it a neutral rating. I was confused many times as I don't know who's talking to who, jarring sentences that seemed to pop out of nowhere or did not have a proper conjunctions to make the sentences flow smooth and easy. Your choice of words are very simple and that's very good. Keep it simple but keep it flowing seamlessly.  

 

Character: 2.5/5

I wish I can give higher. Don't create a character just for them to fill in the story. Make the character that you create appealing and make us feel him/her especially Kaia and Alex. MCs are what made a story. I don't agree with people saying people don't care with the settings, characters, history etc. when starting out your story. To me, it's better than creating a series of dialogs between few people without substance. 

Incongruent characters. Kaia was supposed to be icy cool, bossy and ruthless woman. But 5 chapters in, I have yet to read how cold, bossy and ruthless she was. All she acted was kind of a growing up teenage girl trying to find her first love by throwing tantrums and demanding favours. Caine was supposed to be abusive and a playboy jerk but other than trying to force himself on Kaia, to me he is just a bully. A normal bully and a rich man's bully will always act differently. Make us hate Caine and sided with Kaia's decision.

Take a while and sit in your character's shoes. This will always be the writer's hardest work. A so-so storyline, cliche dialogs with powerful characters are always better than a one-in-a-kind story line, powerful dialogs but with bland characters.   

If you want to make a guy a jerk and abusive, show it. 

If you want to make an icy cold, ruthless and bossy woman who have emotional wall around her, show her angst. 

If you want to make a calculative and mysterious Romeo who wanted to up his rival, show it. 

All in all, make us feel it. Playing multiple roles as a writer is not easy but I know you have the heart and the skills to do it.

 

Overall score: 4/5

Because of the potential and I can see how much effort you put in writing, I'll give this score. But like I said, I want to feel more. It's alright if you over elaborate certain things or purple prosing your story, but a well balanced one will make us feel what you and your character feels. Immerse us into your world. 

Continue on writing and improving. Put your soul, heart and energy into your characters and you will see them grow without you realising. 

Mopps
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Before I begin a little disclaimer I don't really read romance/drama stories so this is just my first impressions of whats what

Let's start with the things I liked, you did well to write in what's around the main character and what she is feeling. You did decent at painting a picture around you and setting the scene and such and I can really feel your enjoyment in your writing! 

Now some things I saw, first off is the realism of the story. First off from what I can tell by the story this is set in a city in either America or maybe europe (I mightve missed where), and not many cultures in the world still do the forced marriage thing and it just seems like in this plot it just seems like this just wouldn't happen and why is there a marriage with the jerk she is engaged too? (Maybe you will tell the audience why later but it was just something that struck out to me). Also with a headbutt, the main character seems like a smart girl who wouldn't needlessly go into fights and seems innocent. Even with the part of the skull where you headbut with hitting another person's skull with all your strength would make someone like the MC be at least a little dazed. Sorry if I seem to be nitpicking here but this is just an example of if you add details like in real life it could really bring your story to life!

I like how you show how the character is really feeling and putting in little things like the blushing when they kiss at the marriage, like is she going to actually fall in love down the line? But the characters sometimes do some unrealistic decisions, the main character is a smart women who's also in the industry, a profession that requires critical thinking. I just don't really believe that she would just say yes without asking more questions, who the person is, what is their name, and how does he even know that she is being abused? Of course he could be watching her but the main character should question how he knew in the first place! Just something I noticed.

Now with the plot, the story is going good, we know what the problem is a new character is introduced and there is some mystery on how the husband (the jerk) will react to finding about the new marriage. But there are some holes that I noticed, like when she runs into the rival ceo in the street they talk they agree to a marriage and in an hour they go to the courthouse to get married, so what was kinda unrealistic was how she got the marriage contract written in less than an hour (which I assume a smart women like her would get a lawyer to do it). The marriage license is another thing, you probably need longer than an hour to get both parties to get it done, at least in the state I live in you need to take a pre-marital course before getting the license.

Just something that took me out of the story and confused me, just somethings I noticed! Im sorry if it sounded harsh or something I really want you to succeed and do well and I'm pretty inexperienced myself but these were just some things I saw. Anyways your style is interesting and the premise is interesting with lots of promise of where it can go! Keep it up, and this can go far. I enjoyed reading and look forward to see what you write next, also if you have any questions or anything at all pm me or something.

BigMartyrs
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A little polish and you could have a diamond

I think this story could be very successful. As it is now though it needs some polishing. 

The characters where pretty well developed. Would have given 5 stars here if you "showed" me what the characters are like more, instead of telling me. You definetely know who they are and what they should be doing. 

The style gave me 50 shades of grey vibe. 

The story has some major plot holes that could be filled by just filling in the first few chapters more. Maintaining mystery is fine, but a major concern like, "why are there arranged marriages in this story?" needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. 

Grammar was pretty bad. To maintain an honest review I feel like I should explain. I would have given you a lower score, but suprisingly, the errors didn't stop me from understanding the story. They did however keep me from getting immersed in it. Noone here really expects a professionally edited story, but you should definetely edit it yourself. 

I will keep reading so I can discover the mysteries of this book! 

God_is_Good
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Lots of fun twists and turns, not very realistic

This is a fairly straightforward read, but very entertaining, full of unusual twists and a really unique set up.  The romance itself is very well crafted, the characters each have their own fun quirks and unusual traits, and the story as a whole is full of twists and a really crazy intriguing plot that grabbed me from the beginning and never let go.  A bit more research, however, is necessary.  As multiple people pointed out, a lot of your details didn't really fit in with the setting.  I think there's a lot of editting that needs to happen to make this flow smoothly and realistically.

KittyWonderland
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I love the story! I need an Alex in my life! @[email protected] I don't mean to sound creepish but I like your fluff scenes they're innocent yet detailed. I read where you filled in the story holes and I agree it made the story better. <3 Can't wait for more!