Second Wind, legend of Pandemonium (Finished/Incomplete)

by Seventus Almagar

Original HIATUS Adventure Fantasy LitRPG Magic Reincarnation Secret Identity Virtual Reality
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content
  • Traumatising content

The developers of the worlds leading VRMMORPG Edge Online have decided to shut down its servers after over a decade. Shugireth Darkstar, the leader of Pandemonium, Edge Online's top guild, suffers from a deadly disease and his end is near. He hasn't left his VR pod for 5 years, as the medical nanodroids at the hospital takes care of him. 

Without Edge, he will die, because his physical body has already been all but destroyed by the sickness.

Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, Shugireth Darkstar, the Master of Pandemonium, stubbornly stays behind as the servers shut down...

 

If that was all, we could end this story right here. However, that was only the beginning of the legend of pandemonium. The prelude to the movement, if you will.

Shall we see what happens next?

 

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Some notes from Me (The author, gasp surprise):

I first wrote this (100k) as an experiment. I saw the advice about having foils for overpowered MCs, and I watched quite a few lectures on writing. I wanted to test things out for myself and see if I could carry a story through other ways than only relying on physical conflict like some thrillers do. Thus this might lean a bit towards slice of life with a romance subplot, but I don't want to give my story away so read it if u want to know more. This was basically never intended for anyone else's eyes but my own, and written to explore writing as a process. This wasn't my attempt at writing a good book, but it turned into something that I think might interest some people, so I decided to pop it up here.

It is slightly old so my style and writing skills have advanced considerably since I first started this thing. Having said that, I think it's pretty readable, but I am very interested in how other people will receive this. Please feel free to criticize it and just in general shoot me some feedback on what you think. 

 

It contains light Litrpg elements, not heavy table spam, it's just the basis of the world. Although I like that sort of thing, this was written before I even knew of Royalroad and hadn't considered litrpg much. Some of you may recognize that it was slightly inspired by Overlord.

Also, the Tags for sexual content and traumatizing content are there as a precaution on all of my stories pretty much, even if my story does not contain any of that at the moment. I can't really know what the future will bring, but in the case of this story I do know a little bit, since I wrote 100k words before posting it here. And I just posted it on a whim because I figured some readers on Royalroad might enjoy this story.

 

 

 

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Seventus Almagar

Seventus Almagar

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Root Greevil
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Definitely worth checking out

I bringe read this almost immediately after the authors original stash of 27 chapters were posted. I definitelly recommend checking it out if the synopsis and tags sound interesting. If you like this genre you will most likely like this. 

Style: I found the style enjoyable. There isn't anything super amazing about how the story is written, but I think that the writing style is an overall net positive. There are many stories I read where certain scenes or interactions cause me to cringe, and I didn't come accross anything like that while reading this story. 

Story: The story is not super spectacular, but fine for what the genre is. There isn't that much of an aim currently, but if the author continues the story it should become more and more fleshed out. You wouldn't read this for the plot but I don't think it detracts.

Grammar: I found the grammar very good for RRL standards. There were a few typos here and there and some formatting issues from the chapters being uploaded, but nothing stood out to me and broke my immersion while I was reading. The story is very readable, unlike some other stories posted on the site. 

Characters: I found the characters enjoyable to read. They aren't anything super spectacular, but I think they are well presented and well rounded for the most part. The non MC characters not not just cardboard cutouts and there seems to be some genuine history to the world the author has created. I would say the characters are a definite plus to the story. 

Overall, I found this very enjoyable to read. It isn't some super amazing masterpiece, but it doesn't try to be, and that's okay. It does a good job with what type of story it is, and since I like the genre I liked the story. I genuinely hope the author continues writing as I will be eagerly awaiting more updates. 

Shakeel
  • Overall Score

It's not really a VR story

It's great. This is great. It's start is like Overlord but cooler. Don't let the VR tag fool you. It's as much VR as overlord is. It's more epic fantasy reincarnation with a not stupid and dense MC. 

Karakazz
  • Overall Score

I want more.  After 6  chapters I'm already in love with it

Dryeder
  • Overall Score

If you like a story where the author has a foot fetish then this is for you!

ivoSF
  • Overall Score

nice lite-rpg done different then many(better)

i also binge read al the current chapters out(27) and i must say i enjoy it very much, has a nice balance of rpg elements, slice of life and some mysteries

 

no complicated character sheets and despite being relative simple, it flows nicely.

what i noticed, most things get adressed rather direct and solved/moved on pretty quick, in my opinion this is refreshing compared to many overly convulted stories.

jwright
  • Overall Score

There are a few flaws or cringe moments but they are very minor. Overall story is great! Flow is good. 

Only thing that was dissapointing was how one of the characters gets raped for character development. It's way too common because it makes people upset to read it. Would recommend changing that to something else drama worthy.

Vile Darkness
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fun, with a few problems (up to chapter 27)

This is a fun story about an op mc.  I have a few problems with the second half but is a good read.

Grammer:  I found it to be spot on.  I had no problem with any weird spellings or punctuations and few if any of the sentences needed to be reread to understand their meaning.

Style:  This is a story about an op character.  In this type of story, you don't need a big plot to be enjoyable (I'm looking at you Deathmarch).   Instead, you have a build up that shows just how awesome or overpowered the mc is.  This is done excellently in showcasing the mc power.  The first time we actually see how op he is is one of the best uses of the LitRPG genre I can remember reading.

Story:  The story is okay, not good but not bad.  It follows the basic pattern of the mc seeing something and then doing something to fix.  It largely works but there are a few places in which there is no explanation about the why of the point or the point is just ignored entirely (the big bad guy yelling about NPCs is the one that comes to mind first).  All but two of them I would consider minor and be being nitpicky. 

The first one goes from the very beginning and is something that irritates me in this and many other genres.  Why was the mc here in the first place?  Often times there is never an explanation about why the mc was transported/reborn/time traveled but I think I might prefer no reason to the one that is given.  The answer seems to be... the goddess of chaos was being chaotic.  This is as literal a dues ex machina as possible and rubs me the wrong way.

The second problem with the story I have is the major driver of all the action for the whole book comes out of nowhere.  It might be explained better later, but so far the explanation for why it occurred is heavily unsatisfactory for such a major point.

Spoiler: Spoiler

 

Characters:   This is where your story starts to have some problems.  Broadly speaking, you have two main characters and a large number of secondary characters but they seem overly flat to me even after 27 chapters.  

Spoiler: Spoiler

I still think it was a good story and I enjoyed reading it despite the story not living up to some of my hopes I projected onto it.  In any case, you should always take other peoples criticisms with a grain of salt and write what you want.

 

Darknessghost
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Great story, worth reading.