The Storm King

by warden1207

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Harem Magic Male Lead Secret Identity Strategy Strong Lead Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Leon and his father, Artorias, are the last remaining scions of a once powerful and illustrious family of lightning mages.  After barely surviving an attack that destroyed their home fifteen years ago, they now live in the dangerous Northern Vales, a desolate wilderness far away from civilization.  But those who want them dead are strong, patient, and relentless, and it is only a matter of time before they find the two they seek...

 

Posted first on my website, wardenreading.com, which will be 4 chapters ahead of anywhere else I post.  Expect new chapters every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday around 10 am CST

 

I have taken the WriTE Pledge, meaning that I will see this story to completion, no matter how many eons it may take.

 The Pledge

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warden1207

warden1207

Legate of the Bull Kingdom

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
1- The Forest of Black and White ago
2 - Magic ago
3 - Inherited Blood ago
4 - Preparations ago
5 - The Hunt I ago
6 - The Hunt II ago
7 - Ritual I ago
8 - Ritual II ago
9 - The Vision ago
10 - Soul Refinement ago
11 - Mana Glyph ago
12 - The Mission ago
13 - The Team ago
14 - Two Journeys ago
15 - Vale Town ago
16 - Guests ago
17 - A Meeting ago
18 - Friction I ago
19 - Friction II ago
20 - The Village ago
21 - Recon ago
22 - The Raid I ago
23 - The Raid II ago
24 - The Guide ago
25 - Going East ago
26 - Identity ago
27 - The Glade ago
28 - Return Journey ago
29 - A Call ago
30 - An Attack ago
31 - The Fight ago
32 - Serana ago
33 - Fifteen Years Ago ago
34 - Artorias' Last Breath ago
35 - Burial ago
36 - Ambition ago
37 - West ago
38 - The Prison In The Mountains I ago
39 - The Prison in the Mountains II ago
40 - The Prison in the Mountains III ago
41 - The Prison in the Mountains IV ago
42 - The Prison in the Mountains V ago
43 - Leaving the Prison ago
44 - Reaching Civilization ago
45 - Charles ago
46 - The Bank ago
47 - Tower Lord ago
48 - The Vault ago
49 - His Name ago
50 - On to the Inn ago
51 - The Estate ago
52 - The Door ago
53 - Flight from the Estate ago
54 - Breathing Exercises ago
55 - The Capital ago
56 - Some Much Needed Training ago
57 - The Enrollment Test Begins ago
58 - Power Test ago
59 - Combat Test I ago
60 - Combat Test II ago
61 - End of Enrollment ago
62 - Chance Encounter ago
63 - Results of the Test ago
64 - Their Fortress ago
65 - Tension in the Dining Hall ago
66 - Rules and Structure ago
67 - Basic Combat I ago
68 - Basic Combat II ago
69 - Start of Classes ago
70 - Additional Instruction ago
71 - Brewing Trouble ago
72 - Her Challenge ago
73 - The Pool ago
74 - A Battered Pride ago
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Madderb
  • Overall Score

 I'm really enyoying this story thus far. Keep it up friend.

 

Newbage
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A Westernized Cultivation Fantasy Story

This story is basically a westernized version of a Chinese cultivation story. Cultivators are instead called mages, but they’re basically super powered humans that fight with martial weapons. Instead of Chi or Heavenly Energy, they increase their longevity and refine their body and souls with mana. They even have “soul realms” and “soul palaces” that are just basically the equivalent of a cultivator’s “natal palace” combined with a spatial storage function, and with a less nonsensical name. The aesthetic seems fairly western though, with knights, paladins, vampires, werewolves, nymphs, gorgons and such. MC seems to be a pretty stock mary sue – not all that much in the way of personality, but not really unlikeable either. He’s a scion of a fallen noble house, possessed of a long lost, mysterious, legendary beast bloodline, raised by his father in an unforgiving wilderness -- pretty standard cultivation fantasy fare.

There is A LOT of exposition at the beginning. Until about 14 chapters in it is all exposition and set up. Hell, the real inciting incident -- the uncle ben, origin story moment -- doesn't happen until chapter around 32 to 34. Grammar and sentence structure seems fairly strong, but you can tell that the author is heavily influenced by translated Chinese web novels because you’ll occasionally see awkward or unconventional turns of phrase that are endemic to that sort of literature such as “improving by leaps and bounds” and “you can now be counted among the ranks of second-tier mages.” (you know, as opposed to “you are now a second-tier mage”) Thankfully, I have yet to see “ ... is like the difference between heaven and earth”, or “... like leaping over the dragon’s gate”, but it is still early on in the series. Nonetheless, the writing is generally solid, and the author has a decent level of mastery over the English language. The plot so far is interesting but not masterpiece level. There are a number of fictions I’d recommend reading before reading this one. That said, if you’ve read those fictions up to the most recent chapter, or they aren’t your thing, this fiction is definitely well worth your time.

 

Competitive options, in no particular order (i.e. ongoing fictions that I feel are as good, or better than this one, and that people who enjoy this one will likely also enjoy):

Everybody Loves Large Chests

The Daily Grind

Dante’s Immortality

A Gentleman’s Curse

Brimstone Fantasy

Savage Divinity

Paradigm Shift – New Beginnings

Paladin

 

TheAgeOfTheYak
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Recommended - Imaginative if flawed adventure

 

This is a semi-advanced review that focuses on the technical aspects of writing and the conceptualisation of the story at hand.

 

Disclaimer: All my ratings range from 0.1 (poor) to 5.0 (outstanding). As such, a rating of 2.5 might be considered average. Most scores I hand out are slightly below that.

 

I make all of my remarks with the intention of helping the author develop and improve his story. Harsh as my comments may at times seem, I usually invest a lot of time and effort into writing these reviews – I wouldn't if my intention were to simply bash young authors into submission and shame.

 

As a closing note, while I've scanned every chapter you've released (including those not on RR), I've only read the first dozen or so in greater detail. Thus, I will only discuss technical intricacies of the first few chapters. Usually, that is of little to no consequence for a review, as most technical issues present in the first few chapters usually persist throughout the story unless pointed out.

 

Onwards with accustomed brutal honesty.

 

 

Summary:

 

The Storm King is a tale of fantasy, magic, and intrigue. Far removed from civilisation, miles and miles away from even the most backward kingdom and as distant from the powerful central realms as possible, deep within the hauntingly beautiful if dangerous Forest of Black and White, beleaguered by nothing but despiteous wilderness and sundry magical beasts, Leon and his father Artorias lead a meagre, isolated life.

With death not a distant threat but merely the result of even a moment's inadvertence, Leon's life is a constant routine between lessons, training, and hunting with his taciturn father, a magician beyond his son's horizon.

Life is hard but straightforward – at least until the fated day finally comes that his father deems Leon ready to finally cross the threshold of becoming a second rank mage...

 

 

Orthography: 3.55/5 – A pleasant surprise

 

It has proven to be illuminating to start out with orthography – something a lot of people not only consider a formality but also typically fail at.

First, the happy news: The Storm King is very much readable. Sentences are usually well thought up, the flow of the paragraphs is far above average, and there are no major problems with phrasings. Even the evil spectre of all casual authors, the dreaded punctuation, is handled reasonably well – if slightly worse than all the other aforementioned aspects.

 

As a side note, I can't tell you how happy I am to read a story on this site that is very consistent with its Oxford Comma. For that alone, you get a bit of freebie goodwill.

 

Most mistakes I noticed seem to be slips of the pen. To illustrate my point, I'll point out a few of the more glaring ones I spotted within the first two chapters.

 

  • ' ‘I suppose it doesn’t matter, either way I’m getting a ton of sleep tonight.’ he thought.' [Ch2]

    There's quite a bit wrong with this one. Most obviously, the full stop near the dialogue marker.

    Secondly, the sentence structure fails to fully correlate with the punctuation. It's, naturally, possible to connect two complete sentences by comma; however, as there does seem little reason in this specific case, I'd always take the full stop here. It might be a point of debate for the narrative level, but since this is a monologue, the case seems pretty straightforward.

    Lastly, “either way” is used as an introductory phrase. Those are, commonly, followed up by a comma.

    The complete line should, therefore, probably be something like this:

    'I suppose it doesn't matter. Either way, I'm getting a ton of sleep tonight,' he thought.

     

  • '[…] lies a number of vales […]' [Ch1]

    '[…] the next step in the adaptation process comes […]' [Ch1]

    '[…] theirs is a chaotic world […]' [Ch1] → tense

    Even descriptions purely on the narrative level shouldn't mess with the time. Also, have a look at the entry under technical writing.

     

  • On several occasions, you place unnecessary commas between a complete sentence and an ellipsis.

    '[...], and to justify his actions.' [Ch1]

    'This mana would then enter his muscles, and saturate them with magical power.' [Ch1]

    'He held it near his check [!] for a single heartbeat, and released.' If you want to emphasise the 'and released', I'd strongly advise you to use a dash.

     

  • As mentioned right at the top, you often use commas to separate complete sentences. I'd advise you not to do it, especially in phrases that already make use of commas.

    'Artorias allowed a small smile to appear on his face, his son was correct, the stag wasn’t very far.' [Ch1]

    This example should illustrate my point because you manage to separate three complete sentences by commas. The first one I'd replace with a full stop. The second should, the way I read it, be a semicolon.

     

  • Lastly and few and far between, there are examples of you missing a comma.

    'Leon had a little trouble, as the stag was quite large and he was only a first-tier mage, but Artorias […]' [Ch1]

    [The stag was large] and [he was a mage] are both complete sentences and would – usually – require a comma. In this specific instance, however, I'd propose you shuffle the sentence a bit to reduce the number of commas. Purely aesthetic, but my own first idea was this:

    'Leon had a little trouble; the stag was quite large, and he was only a [...]'

     

  • Capitalisation

    There's hardly any problem with this. First chapter, I only noticed one teeny mistake that was clearly an oversight.

    '“Thanks.” Said Leon.' [Ch1]

    Comma instead of full stop and 'said' in lower case. Self-explanatory.

     

 

Language: 3.55/5 – up to snuff

 

There isn't too much to point out – which is good!

To make it beyond 4.0, I expect authors to have casual elegance in their phrasings, offhanded humour, cutting precision. To be honest, that kind of level requires incredible amounts of dedication and work. Considering writing is probably not your full-time occupation and you likely can't afford to brood over each sentence for minutes, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Your language is otherwise good enough to nearly make it up to 3.75/5, but there are a few things I need to point out that take away from your score. Nevertheless, the second pleasant surprise!

 

  • The speech level of the narrator's voice

    You mostly do a fine job at this, but there are instances where your narrator's voice is a bit too informal and lax.

    'ok' [sorry, can't give you a reference here] is not an accepted spelling in formal contexts. It's either 'okay' or 'OK' – your pick.

    Consequently, 'comfy' [Ch2] isn't acceptable either, at least not for the narrator. It's perfectly okay for your characters, but your narrator really should use 'comfortable' or at least 'cosy' (or 'cozy' in AE).

    'east-west and […] north-south' [Ch1] This also doesn't work. Write it out, please. The use of hyphens to replace 'till' or 'from...to' is much too casual.

    'Father-son pair' [Ch1] would be my last example. By now, it should be fairly obvious what I'm alluding to.

     

  • Word repetitions

    There are, surprisingly to me, a few cases where you bludgeon your reader to death with a few choice words. I'm not sure if that's an oversight or a choice. I'd advise you to have a look at them regardless.

    1. 'Though the blade seemed to be made of good steel, it seemed to be of a quality that any city blacksmith in the southern kingdom could make with little effort. […] But no ordinary blacksmith could make this plain-looking sword. Despite how ordinary […]' [Ch1]

    First of all, these sentences lack...flair. They're extremely dry and the wording is dull and repetitive. Also, this paragraph is plagued by filler words.

    Especially words like 'to seem', 'nearly', or 'like' often take away from your writing.

    Draw your sword (pencil/mouse), and cut them down! Adverbs are the enemy.

    Google 'Filler words' if you're unfamiliar with the problem. There's plenty good advice on the internet.

    2. 'He breathed in, held it for a moment, then breathed out. He breathed in, held it, then exhaled. He breathed calmly and consistently, holding in his breath for several seconds each time. As he breathed, Leon’s heartrate slowed.' [Ch2]

    That's a bit too much breathing, seriously. (Also, 'heart rate' are two words.)

     

  • Variation in punctuation

    I believe I've made my case already, but the sparing use of emdashes, semicolons, or even brackets can really be a breath (:>) of fresh air. You don't need to overdo it, but refusing to make use of them is...strange – and a missed opportunity.

 

 

Technical aspects of writing: 2.95/5 – above average

 

Before I come to the main gripe I have, I need to point out that your first chapter starts in simple present tense before you arbitrarily switch to (the more commonly used) simple past. There are exactly two very unlikely situations where that is allowed – and only those two.

 

  1. if your whole story is wrapped in a frame narrative that takes place in the present (apathetic or personal)

  2. if what follows is a flashback to be later revealed as such (and your real story is written in simple present)

     

Otherwise, I'm afraid, it's simply bad.

 

Secondly, I want you to have a look at this sentence:

'Without Artorias, Leon would've long been killed by the beasts of the forest.' [Ch1]

 

In what follows, I'll try to point out why I really dislike this sentence, dislike it enough to dedicate it an entire paragraph.

 

Firstly, this part of the narration is apathetic (there's no change in 'colour' of the narration due to a person's influence. → See below), the reader comes to the conclusion that your hitherto impersonal narrator is making a judgement call about your characters. That alone is more than just unfortunate because your (impersonal) narrator should be descriptive, not judgemental.

In short, this is the same category of faux pas as writing 'Leon really was a coward.' Even if he was, you shouldn't put those words into your narrator's mouth. Firstly, because readers might feel alienated if you try to dictate them what to think. Secondly, because it reveals a lack of effort.

Second fictional example: 'Artorias is a shady ne'er-do-well.' This is a strong example, but you practically feel that this sentence is off – wrong somehow. That's because the narrator tries to force an opinion on the reader.

This, in essence, is why it's better to show than to tell.

Even if Artorias were shady, it might be better to portrait him drinking, wasting his life away. The reader can come to his own conclusions that way, and you actually paint your world.

If Leon is a coward, you need to write about his nerves, his short breathing, his eyes that dart from left to right.

And, lastly, if Leo really would be killed without Artorias, you need to describe how Leon feels safe with his father, how he trusts his commands, how he sticks close to him. If you want to stress the point, have him relive a short(!) memory of a more drastic learning experience.

If you don't like any of that, at least phrase it impersonally or without making a judgement about your characters by the grace of the narrator. Like so:

  1. (apathetic) The Forest of Black and White was dangerous. The creatures lurking within could tear up the body of a boy twice Leon's size.

    The difference between this and your sentence is that neither Leon's fate nor definite strength is anticipated.

  2. (impersonal) Anyone would have agreed that it would have been madness for a boy Leon's age to wander the forest alone.

  3. (personal) Leon didn't hold to such follies as misplaced pride; he knew the forest and the beasts within would kill him if not for his father.

 

 

The following part of the review is rather technical in nature. For those uninterested in literature studies, feel free to skip it entirely!

 

I don't want to go beyond the scope of this little review, but there is one issue with your story that – frankly – irritates me a bit. I might have to point out that, by occupation, I tend to look for and notice other things in writing than most people would. As such, these tend to be rather technical problems 95% of your readers might either a) not notice or b) not care about.

I'll point them out anyway because, from a standpoint of literary criticism, they are structural deficits.

 

By now, you might be confused as to what I'm even talking about. I am, in too many words, babbling about perspective and narrative styles.

 

Most people writing in third person know of 'omniscient' and 'limited', believing that to be the extent of all things possible. That statement is so drastically wrong that I'd need at least five pages to illustrate the many possible ways to categorise 'perspective' in writing. But, for the sake of simplicity, let's stick to what most people are familiar with and carefully expand upon that.

 

  • 'Omniscient' is understood to be exactly what the word implies: a narrator who knows everything. Usually, that manifests itself in the disclosure of multiple characters' thoughts.

  • 'Limited', by contrast, expresses the understanding that the narrator will only 'dive' into one character, usually following him around.

 

In truth, perspective in narratology isn't a dualistic thing at all. Rather, it's a set of attributes. One such attribute is 'spatial perspective', another might be called 'focal point' or 'personal perspective' – you might also hear stuff like 'modus' and (importantly) 'tone'.

 

Thing is, I can write a story that sticks to one character's perspective without revealing anything more than what is apparent to an invisible third person, completely disregarding the person the narration follows. I can write an omniscient narrator who still sticks only to one character's thoughts. I can write a story that only appears to feature an omniscient narrator who, in truth, is another character in the story and who knows these things because he's telling the story. I could also, theoretically, write a very confusing story that only reveals character A's thoughts while following (in the sense of describing the events around) character B. I could write a story where character B describes everything character A experiences.

I can write a story that follows a bunch of people without revealing anything more than what is apparent from a neutral standpoint.

...and those are only the easy examples that defy the apparent dualism.

 

BUT, and this is the important part, in casual literature aimed at a broad audience, you want to pick one style of narration and stick with it – to the bitter end. You might, at times, bend the rules. Often, you find that happening with (what the uninitiated call) 'limited' because it can prove to be extremely tedious or difficult to explore the past or background of your story with that style.

I usually like taking Harry Potter as an example, because everyone has either read the novels or watched the films. Rowling makes use of a rather strict 'third person limited'-style. However, her storytelling reaches its limits when she tries, for example, to explore Tom Riddle's past. How could it be possible for Harry to first-hand experience his nemesis' sob-story? Realistically, it isn't, but – conveniently – she invents the Pensieve (and the diary) which are pretty much plot devices to overcome the boundaries of the perspective she is stuck with. Otherwise, Dumbledore would have at least twenty pages of monologue each book.

 

Now, why does she go to such lengths? Because it is extremely bad form (not to mention irritating) if there is no continuity in the narration, and that includes perspective.

 

And now, we finally come back to your story.

From the start, the reader gets the vague (but justified) sense that Leon will end up being the protagonist. You're not engaging in any shenanigans.

Your style of narrating the story, on the other hand, is extremely muddy.

 

 

Let's have a closer look at some of your early sentences:

 

'By virtue of his strength, Artorias had no trouble finding the stag […]' [Ch1]

 

This bit of writing is impersonal (we cannot truly identify the person influencing this sentence) but reveals more information than a neutral bystander could feasibly know (Artorias' true strength). As such, let's call it apathetic/omniscient for now. But the sentence continues.

 

'[…] but this was a learning opportunity for his son.' [ibid.]

 

Yikes! What happened here?! Suddenly there's talk of 'his son'. Suddenly, the sentence gives off the impression of free indirect speech, which would be a very personal style of narration. 'His son' and 'learning opportunity' clearly indicate (personal/mental) perspective, namely Artorias'. At this point, the narration could either be limited (on Artorias) or omniscient (with switching mental and spatial perspectives).

Let's look further ahead.

 

'Leon needed to learn how to kill.' [ibid.]

 

The word needed is important; it does two things: it practically disproves a neutral, omniscient narrator (because that one wouldn't make judgement calls about the characters), and it is evidence that Artorias' (personal and mental) perspective is seeping into the narration. It's important to note that the phrase quoted is not in quotation marks that would indicate direct thoughts of a character.

As such, this is either a personal style of narration or another example of free indirect speech.

Thus, at this point, we have to come to the conclusion that you're – unwittingly – writing third-person limited focused on Artorias.

But that simply can't be true because, disregarding what happens in the story, your spatial perspective is almost exclusively limited to Leon. That's especially evident during the short altercation between Artorias and the Ice Wraith(s?) during the first chapter; the narration stays with the son – not the father.

 

In short, you make use of a personalised, omniscient, spatially bound perspective that changes its tone based on the most prominent character of the scene.

It's a structural nightmare.

Now, as I said before, most people won't find this very disturbing or even take notice. But, in addition to annoying people such as me, you'll find a more practical negative side to that problem; your readers will be less invested in your main character.

 

The easiest solution would be to delete all personalised comments within the narrative and go for third-person omniscient.

The, for your story, probably best solution would be to read over all the scenes and try to stick to a narrative style that focuses on Leon.

 

 

Technical realisation (concept): 2.25/5 – Uninspired and predictable

 

I don't want to discuss this in detail. If you have questions, I'll be glad to answer them per message. To make my point, I'll only look at the concept of the first chapter, which acts as a kind of prologue.

 

A common mistake I see, especially on this site, is that the first chapter isn't nearly polished enough. Frankly, the first chapter needs to completely sweep me off my feet, leaving me nonplussed, angry, tenderly moved, shocked, spooked – anything!

The first chapter, more than introducing characters or describing your setting, needs emotional engagement commonly referred to as 'a hook'. And not just at the end, mind you. There are two very important parts the first chapter of every book should excel at. The very first paragraph, and the last line. Both of those need to leave strong impressions.

 

Your first chapter, on the other hand, reads like an exposition to your world. If that kind of narration would draw in readers, the Silmarillion and the Old Testament would be perpetual bestsellers.

They aren't.

 

Your entire first chapter makes a good job of giving us a glimpse of how both characters' lives are. We don't learn too much about them personally, but we get some clues about the world they live in. That's not bad. What your entire first chapter completely lacks, however, is some kind of story hook.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that your first chapter is just a description of a typical life of your characters. That might be – forgive my cynicism – enough for a reality show, but it's not good enough, not nearly good enough for a novel.

 

From a narrative standpoint, it – frankly – serves no purpose whatsoever. The only reason you'd go into such detail would be if their everyday life was about to undergo some dramatic shift. Even then you'd need something to forebode their dire fate.

 

The Storm King, however, doesn't really have any kind of tension heights until the ritual – and that's chapters in. This is the same kind of problem most reincarnation novels fall prey to: the pacing is off. Slow pacing is only acceptable if you have an underlying tone of threat.

Have you read the Lord of the Rings? Even though the first hundred pages are extremely (!) slow-paced, literally only featuring character- and world building, there's still the looming threat, the vague sense that something's off.

And that bit needs to stand at the front. If the first three sentences fail to deliver a hook, no publisher would ever accept the novel, no matter how good it is.

 

I usually give the following advice: Every scene you write, you need to ask yourself: 'Does this scene further my characters, my world, and my plot?'

If it doesn't, there's a very high chance something's wrong with it.

 

The plot of your first chapter – brutally exaggerated – is this: 'Father and son walk into the forest to hunt, the father easily drives away a few monsters – no worry – and they return. Fin.'

 

Let me repeat: You handle the world building beautifully, the character building decently, the plot building...badly. It's like your painting a beautiful but empty scenery; I love the colours, but there's nothing to catch my interest, nothing to look at.

 

Story: 2.95/5 – badly paced drama in beautiful colours

 

This is one of the easiest points I've ever had to grade.

Your world building is extremely good (around 3.9/5) if somewhat heavy on stereotypes. That's not necessarily a big deal though. I adore what you did with the Forest of Black and White, for example.

On the other hand, I didn't particularly like what happened after the ritual. I don't want to include spoilers, but – from a story building perspective – that sort of thing might possibly drive you into a corner. I've seen it happen dozens of times. On the other hand, it might instil a sense of urgency and clear opponents. It comes down to how you handle it, in the end.

The real problem, however, is the pacing. It feels like you, as an author, needed twenty chapters to finally start rousing from a state of drowsiness.

I've said what needs to be said, but – again – building a world is not enough for a good fantasy story.

 

As a minor issue, I think you mentioned Artorias wields a longsword? There were a few scenes that left the impression that he uses it with one hand only. Might have been me flying over the script, but – in case I'm right – you need to change either the scenes or your description of the sword; longswords were always two-handed weapons.

 

Characters: x/5 – score withheld

 

I can't, in good conscience, rate this as I can't guarantee that I didn't misread some parts (again, I practically flew over some later parts of the story).

My general impression is that you neither fail nor stick out. Not messing up is good, but I feel like you're a bit too cautious. I don't have any problem with Artorias; his taciturn nature and slight, justified paranoia are well done.

Leon, by contrast, feels a bit...empty. He's the son, he's learning, and he's the protagonist. Those were the only really important impressions that lasted. He's not...quirky enough, not fleshed out – he lacks contrast. That might, in part, be because (like his father) he's on the quiet side, but you also missed a lot of opportunities. The scenes with the other squires, for example, come to mind. The only thing those did for him were establishing him as, understandably, slightly socially awkward.

I don't know if I can love that kind of protagonist.

 

Verdict: 3.05/5 – enjoyable if flawed, imaginative adventure

 

This gets a 'cautiously recommended' from me.

In plain text, that means the story still has several flaws (narrative, pacing, characterisation), but it's also generally enjoyable.

All in all, I commend your effort. It's very apparent that you're taking this project rather seriously, and that much is appreciated. It also has to be pointed out that an established number of chapters per week is a very good thing. Personally, I feel like I could immerse myself better if the chapters were a bit longer, even at the cost of fewer per week, but that might – I guess – come down to preference.

 

As a last notice, since the pacing problems were a big part in the score (and the pacing substantially improved since the beginning of the story), it's quite likely that the score might automatically rise as the plot unfolds and the early weaknesses become less of an issue in the grand scheme of things.

 

kranadheer
  • Overall Score

This story is fantastic.  Grammar is spot-on.  It is xianxia style, nonetheless the story still has a western feel, in its treatement of characters, style and story.

hornblower14
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

A great story that made me keep clicking on the next chapter button regardless of real life events. It has a solid base and worldbuilding that gives a good foundation for the story, but not so inflexible that the author is trapped. A ton of foreshadowing goes on, but I didn't feel overwhelmed, just excited for where the story will go. I would recommend The Storm King to anyone. 

*updated 20 chapters later at 41 chapters on Royal Road. 

Okay, this is awesome, and I don't use the word lightly. This is only my second time supporting an author on patreon here, and it is worth every dollar. The writing is well done, if maybe a bit simplistic at times, but when you are reading and drawn in to the tale, that doesn't matter. A word of advice, if you havn't read The Storm King yet: READ THE DAMN BOOK, you won't regret it.

Oninomad
  • Overall Score

A blend of Fantasy and Wuxia

 An amazingly well written, detailed and engrossing story that take's common cultivation themes and merges them with Sword and Spell Fantasy so seamlessly you barely notice it's been done.

The Irregular
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Great story with phenominal pacing.

The story starts off nice and slow taking its time to build the world its centered around while keeping the user invested in the story. The characters have personality and have been magnificently fleshed out. To my surprise however the character that I would consider the MC has only had a moderate amount of screentime. Something that I feel will be amended in coming chapters based on the latest chapter I have read #29.

The other person who has made a rating was rather harsh if fair with his ratings, however the ratings given are not fair (imo) for royalroad standards as this story is easily above the norm.

Grammer mistakes are rare and I would have to actively be searching for them to have it bother me.

Summary : Great story, splendid pacing. Believable and likeable characters. Slow and smooth, just the way I like it!

 

 

Enforcingkn
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This story is fantastic, this is a book I would I buy. The only bad things I can say about this story, is that there arent enough chapters, and I thought what happened to the dad was a bit soon (favorite character), I wanted to more of the dad, but he's gone, just when we getting to know him. 

licus
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The story is well written and enganging and I can't wait for the next chapter

Par0xysm
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placeholder, theageoftheyak read pls.

This is just a place holder for page 1-2 reviews, i'll make a proper review at a later date. So for now i'll give it 5 stars

One thing i would like to say, and this is mainly aimed at the review by 'theageoftheyak', i like how you make such a specific and detailed review and wrote it to be constructive and as a help for the author. Which is always a good thing and i respect that.

But dude nobody in their right mind would read even half your review, it's simply excessively long, and this is coming from somebody who writes long reviews too. i can't understand how you ever got 84 thumbs up and i'm one of the 8 thumbs down.

Your review comes off as if it's written by somebody who aspires to be a professional reviewer, and has read thousands of bestsellers and reviewed all of them. Simply put, it has a bit of an arrogant vibe to it. This is not a site for professional reviews, or professional stories, it's for aspiring authors (some might well be in the same league as professionals, but that's a minority), and people who like to read novels for free. 

So for all your advice to the author, i have some 'advice' for you, tone your future reviews down by x2 and maybe people will actually care about what you have to say. 

Now i'm being the arrogant one, irony is also a thing huh...