Rise of the Undead Legion

I read this on another site a year ago and completely forgot about it.  I had a dream the other day about it and decided to look it up.  Found it on this site and it's great to be able to continue reading it.  This pics make it worth rereading the first half of the story.  

I haven't read a lot of the story. Just the first chapter, actually. I gave every section roughly the average it had, I just wanted to make this review for grammar.

Oh my god, there are so many errors. Capitalization, punctuation, quotes, paragraph sectioning. It's all wrong. Seriously, take a couple minutes to proofread your stuff before posting it.

I am giving this story 5 stars. If you can make it through the admittedly sub par beginning it gets so much better once the action starts. If you proceed to the current chapters he has had an editor review them before posting and the quality is much better. 

It's pretty good, except for the grammer that needs some work.

I'm just reading this novel all over again so i decided to give it a rating.. I really liked dave adventures although I was really hyped by some of the action scene, it was definiteely a good read.

Give it a try

Good start, everything is thought out. it is only 9 chapters long, but is is worth 5 stars.

This review was edited on the 25th of April 2018 at the...request of the author. This will likely be my last edit.

Disclaimer: All my ratings range from 0.1 (poor) to 5.0 (outstanding). As such, a rating of 2.5 might be considered average. Most scores I hand out are slightly below that.

Let's set sail with accustomed brutal honesty!

Style and orthography 1.3/5: still makes me cringe

• Orthography (1.15/5): far below average
  The prologue has seen some progress; that is good. Not that I couldn't find at least two dozen errors there anyway.
  However, that doesn't in any way take away from the pain that is any other chapter.
  It's readable, of course, but tihs sentnce is readbale too, so that shouldn't really be much of an argument. The progress you made in terms of narration is applaudable. Formally, however, there's still work to be done. In all frankness, I have to admit that I'm loath to change my score for orthography just because you edited the prologue. It's like you're trying to hoodwink potential readers. The score should reflect the entirety of the story, not the prologue. I adjusted it nevertheless - as a show of goodwill.
  Capitalisation, comma placement - even the dialogue markers, which is supposed to be the easy part, are a mess. There are also a lot of slips like missing spaces. Look at chapter two; every second dialogue marker is different from the last.

• Style (1.75/5): decent prologue but everything after that suffers
  The prologue has seen some amazing progress, I'll gladly repeat it yet again.
  
  It's obvious that you've made strides since your first prologue. The narration is more fluid, the atmosphere is palpable. Some parts could still use a little love, especially the pacing and character development (inner monologue). Also, you are still too wordy. If you want the first chapter to be a knockout-punch, it needs to be crisp, clear. In a way, the inane ramblings of your delirious protagonist destroy the atmosphere you try to invoke with some of your nice descriptions. Also, while it's obvious that a lot of work has gone into those (descriptors), in particular, you might want to be careful not to overdo it. It's not quite at that level yet, but stories can get lost in descriptions.
  
  
  
• Story, Characters etc:
  
  I once did a very thorough review of this story. I edited the first two points because they were easy to change, but I don't think it's particularly fair to demand of me to rewrite my entire review which is the work of hours.
  So, to make things short, I'll go very briefly over the few changes that have taken place.
  
  
  1. Characters:
     Everything I wrote about the characters still holds true - just not to such a glaring degree within the prologue. The prologue, I'll happily point it out one last time, is better in nearly every way. The characters feel real, not like some sad shadow of an idea. You also did a good job making Dave somewhat likeable (even though I still hate his guts for his defeatist attitude).
  2. Story:
     A lot of the implausibilities have been stamped out of the prologue. Good job!

 tl;dr: The prologue (if rated alone) has managed to jump from 1.4 to probably somewhere between 1.9 and 2.3. There are still issues with the characterisation, the formal aspect of your writing is still on the weaker side, and the pacing is all over the place. But, as it is right now, it at least manages to fulfil its purpose: getting readers interested and invested in your story.
If your entire story were to be edited in the same fashion, I might raise the overall score from 1.5 to 2.5. And please, for god's sake, have a look at your dialogue markers.

Anyway, since only the first chapter of your story has seen definite progress, I only made some slight adjustments to my overall score.
For those interested, I'll leave the old review in what follows.

Important notice:

What follows is part of the old review, referencing the old prologue that has since been edited.

Plot, story, setting (1.51/5): just about what you'd expect

• Continuity, authenticity, etc (1.95/5): stranger than fiction, literally
  Rise of the Undead Legion relies heavily on stereotypes originating from both the same genre it thrives to emulate as well as popular cultural items such as movies.
  
  The very first action scene you encounter when reading this story describes a 'red sports car' crashing. In the true intellectual style of Hollywood action flicks, it immediately catches fire, threatening to explode at a moment's notice. I'm not quite sure about the probability of that happening in real life, but I'd expect it to be between two and seven percent at most.
  
  To continue analysing this scene, the protagonist manages to smash the 'backdoor's window' to open it from the inside — with a random rock. This belongs to the same ill-advised deeds of heroes as fighting with a broken bottle. Kids, don't try it at home — I'm deadly serious! (I have actually seen it happen once; the guy trying to break off the bottleneck was a guest of the hospital for two weeks.)
  
  After 'grabbing the shoulder on the person' (!), our heroic protagonist Dave realises it's a woman. Still, he manages to undo her seatbelt, somehow twist her body (remember it's supposed to a roadster — they can be quite cramped), and push her outside — while the car is still balancing delicately on the cliff, mind you.
  But, alas, '[...] before he could even walk out. The car fully tilted [...]'.
  To sum it all up, Dave entered a burning, cramped car that could literally fall off the cliff any moment. Honestly, at this point, the author needs to drop a few lines to convince me that Dave isn't suicidal himself. He doesn't though. Because Dave's heroic!
  
  When Dave wakes up, he's immediately threatened by a thuggish minion. He's either to stay silent about the incident — or he'll be killed. To sweeten the deal, he's given twenty thousand dollars. Now, I ask you this: If someone was desperate enough to kill someone to hush up this trivial incident, why take the risk with some random nobody in the first place? The sum seems also arbitrary. Twenty thousand isn't nearly enough of an investment to ensure lasting loyalty, nor is it quite enough when considering the alternative. Think about it: would you keep your mouth shut for twenty thousand if threatened for your life? Probably yes. Would you do the same without the twenty thousand? Probably yes. Would twenty thousand be enough to keep you from trying to find a way out (or, depending on your character, to get even) — lawyer, special investigators, contacts, and so forth? Probably not, at least not if that's the kind of person you are. Would it have been more prudent to offer a larger sum or none at all? Yes.
  
  This was all about the prologue. Some of my points may come down to personal taste (I don't deny it), but they still reveal underlying problems: The prologue seems rushed, the whole accident appears to be a ruse to give your poor character some money to play around with, and we still don't learn nearly enough about your world or your character.
  
  Lastly, I want to talk about details (and the devil within).
  'Each of these regions has tens of thousands of miles of territory. To travel from one end to the other of the map would take about ten months of travel on foot.' (chapter 1, RotUL)
  Tens of thousands are quite a lot. Let's say 'tens' equals fifty (which still seems like a rather low guess to me). So, we're talking about each region spanning at least fifty thousand miles. To travel from one end of the map to the other, you likely need to cross at least (!) two regions, unless the map is rather imaginative, of course. That would mean you need to cross one hundred thousand miles per foot. With all the equipment a 'real' adventurer would need to travel and considering that he'd need to go at a slow pace to not leave himself vulnerable to ambushes and also not counting any prolonged fighting, twenty miles per day is a very generous estimate of progress per foot. 100,000m / 20mpd = 5000 days to cross the map. 5000 days = 13.67 years. 13.7 years are not even close to the promised ten months. You might take this as nitpicking, but if you don't think about this sort of thing while writing a story, you're starting to sound unconvincing.
  
  
• Setting (1.8/5): run-of-the-mill
  Let's talk about games, just for a second. What is the purpose of classes in a game? To offer a wide variety of gameplay experience without breaking the rules of the game; to provide different approaches; maybe to provide a new flavour.
  
  So what exactly is the purpose of a class that is strictly superior to other classes due to 'hidden bonuses'? To answer your question, no game that is serious about balancing would ever even consider such a thing. This sort of trope stems mostly from Japanese and Korean web novels that are all about making their main characters as unique and incredible as possible.
  Just reading about 'hidden classes' makes me yawn already.
  
  
• Story and plot (0.2/5): virtually non-existing
  There isn't much to say, and that's all that needs to be said, really.
  1. Guy gets thrown into an MMO-like world.
  2. He tries to cheat the rules by being smart.
  3. ???
  4. He gets super badass (profit!)

Characters, progression, and development (1.15/5):

• Characters (1.8/5): enter the Everyman
  Since I wasn't able to finish more than a few chapters (and that was mostly due to my wish to write a well-researched review), I'll discuss only the protagonist, Dave. Not that I've actually encountered another character worth remembering.
  
  My gripe with the main character is that, despite the author's clear intent to portrait him as a man suffering from bad luck, I really, really dislike him. I don't think it's intentional either. More than likely, it's just poorly chosen words, sentences and descriptions ruining the characterisation.
  So far, we have talked at length about the prologue. After his heroic deed of nearly dying to mount an unlikely rescue of a total stranger, Dave is angry — so very angry — because he's told to not talk about the incident. You ask why he's so angry? I couldn't tell. Apparently, it's unjust. To me, that appears as if Dave had only done the entire heroic bit of rescuing to get some recognition. He's also worried about the twenty thousand dollars only lasting, I quote, 'a few months'. At this point in time, my theory is that he's a junkie.
  
  But wait, TheAgeOfTheYak, he's got a lasting injury! Don't you think he might have some redeeming qualities? Let's read further ahead!
  'Dave could do nothing but sulk at the injustice that happened to him.'
  Oh, well, I tried.
  
  
• Character progression (0.5/5): bad
  I only want to highlight one section of the first chapter to make my case.
  Dave gets offered some suspiciously helpful support to buy his...capsule. Yet he refuses! Too much is at stake (ten thousand dollars) considering he still hasn't got a job. So he goes home. We get a short description of his 'shabby [...] yet [...] not filthy' place, a short reminder that he still has seventeen thousand dollars left from our friendly neighbourhood mafia thug (what the hell happened to the three thousand dollars?) and then — just like that — he decides to make the commitment after all.
  Right.
  
  

Verdict: Read at your own risk!

The first few chapters are bland, have been done a hundred times like this, and — worse — have been done a hundred times better. Truthfully, I don't care if you do another 'dive into another futuristic MMO — with a twist' story. But if you do it, you need to have something early on to catch my interest: good writing, good ideas, good characters, humour — anything!

The formal errors would've been enough to turn me away but (and this is the real problem) even without them your story is just this: yet another average MMO-dive.

I would love to give this story five stars across the board. I just don't see it being possibly unfortunetly. Granted, the author isn't a native english speaker and has no formal edjucation I consider it very impressive it is written this well. The plot development is pretty interesting. I am enjoying reading this a very substantial amount. Press onward author and continue to write.

I definitly think that this is worth a read. The start is a little rough, but the concepts and awesomeness of the style of MMO world make it worth the read.

Really enjoying it just binge read all the chapters today.

initially i was a tad put of from the generic trope unlucky mc but not enough to stop reading and im so glad i didnt as i love the story 

love the progression system for the undead legion enjoying the fighting system.

cant wait for more and keep up the good work my dude.

I’m really enjoying the story so far my only complaint is I would like for you to try and flesh out the fight scenes a little more. Keep up the good work!