The Apprentice of Arabella

by Manx

Original HIATUS Fantasy LitRPG Male Lead Virtual Reality

When his home and livelihood are ripped away, artist James Wulf must struggle against an oppressive government to survive the journey from Fox Valley to Old Atlanta, where he hopes to start a new life. All things are possible in Arabella online.

 

 

to learn more about lit RPG please vistit https://www.facebook.com/groups/LitRPGGroup/

 

I would like to welcoem my readers to my facebook page that i hope to be updating on a regular basis

https://www.facebook.com/groups/211038843033479/

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Total Views :
  • 23,423
  • Average Views :
  • 23,423
  • Followers :
  • 63
  • Favorites :
  • 9
  • Ratings :
  • 21
  • Pages :
  • 2
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Manx

Manx

Achievements
This user has no achievements to display
Advertisement
Remove
Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Revised Prologue ago
Reviews

Leave a review

Flaamwing
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

I like the premise, and I thought the story itself was interesting. But it defenitely needs to be run through a spell checker and either have an editor go over it, or use something like grammerly to help out.

I also really liked the use of an ashendari, as I like that weapon but rarely see it used in fiction. Although I thought it was only called that in wheel of time, and in real life it was called a naginata.  (But I could be wrong)

 

Now for constructive criticism:

The biggest flaw to the story that I saw is that he's making too big a stir with his items at too low a skill level.

There was also no explanation for why he got true-bard when everyone else got bard. I'm not sure if that's coming later however.

As for story flow, the separate tiny chapters from alternate points of view seemed off.  I would suggest adding them to the existing chapters with a separater?

Linkneo5
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Constructive comments

This is meant to be constructive criticism designed to help improve the story. Please don't take offense.


That said, I do have some observations I'd like to share.


First, I can't help but detect some political bias. Personally, I dislike when authors put too much political opinion or religious overtones into their stories. I don't know if it was meant to be satirical, contribute to the rising action or to provide some depth to the MC but it felt out of place. (Also it's hard to suspend disbelief and envision an America with a more messed up political state than what it already is in)

Second, your work needs editing. Many of your sentences lack punctuation or require rephrasing. I myself am not exactly a paragon of virtue when it comes to grammatical correctness but it is hard to understand what you are trying to say at times. Much of it could be improved by simply going back and adding punctuation. E.g. “Thats Malik he’s touchy but he has to hear this.” -> "That's Malik. He is touchy, but he would want to hear this."

Third, be a bit more descriptive. I know that in both web novels and light novels description is scant by design, however it makes it difficult to follow the narrative when some of the important particulars are unclear.

That is all I wanted to share. Take my advice or leave it, either way good luck to you. I hope you keep writing and continue the story all the way to the end.

halycon404
  • Overall Score

Needs some thought on internal consistancy.

I'm fine with the idea of him creating things in game that hasn't been found yet with real life skills. There are MMOs now where real life skills can help, so I'm fine with it. What I'm more worried about is the quality of them. A and AA shouldn't really be things he's making at low level, no matter how good he was in reality at unless the system is going to use it as proof of skill and jump him up to master or grand master. Still being Journeyman after creating a AA rank legendary is silly.

Then, the world. Lets just be honest here. Your world sucks. The MMO is fine. The outside world sucks. Totalitarian Dystopian fiction is a thing, I get that. And it can come from either side, for instance. Western Europe is scared of a totalitarian right, while Eastern Europe is scared of a totalitarian left. Both for very good historical reasons. Facism did a number on the west while communism played a similar tune on the east. So now we're living in an era each over corrected a bit. What I don't get is what your world is actually like. You've framed it as a totalitarian protectionist state, but you've not shown us enough of it outside the view of the protagonist or a few overzealous absolute idiot cops. Oh, and not as in protect the people protectionist nanny state, Enviornmental Protectionism vs Enviornmental Conservatism. But that doesn't actually tell me anything about the world. The world is a half thought out caricature, I don't feel it's a real place. I haven't seen anyone interact with it except on the extreme side, so I don't know what to think of it.

The most cliche scene in any dystopian fiction isn't a police raid, interigation, a battle, the wasteland or any of it's most noticable harmarks. It's someone going to the shops to buy a meal. You even do it, just use it the wrong way. You're using it to tell us about his fellow players and the game outside the game. The reason it's used so often in dystopia is it's banal, it's unasuming. Details can be tossed in. What are people eating? What are they wearing? Is food scarces and expensive or abundant and cheap? What sort of posters or advertisements are on the wall? How does life go on in this place? What's the world actually like to live in? It happens in all of them. A moment of almost normalcy, just a bit off so we can see how it all hangs together.